Red Light, Green Light

I need to STOP caring about what other people think of me and START caring about what God thinks of me.

Prayers: Sharing vs Slandering

Recently, my apartment mates and I have started meeting up three times a week to pray for one another and keep accountability. It's been a huge blessing. I'm not going to go as far to say that whoever is not doing this is wrong, but I really didn't know what I was missing out on and I'd never go back. In fact, the Lord says something very encouraging on this:

Matthew 18:19-20

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

God has already answered our prayers and it's been great to grow closer to my room mates. However, as my title explains, I've been convicted about a different topic of prayer. I'm not saying the prayer meetings in my room consist of these things (at least to my knowledge), but it's something God has revealed in myself and others in past experiences.

What is prayer exactly? I'm not a theologian or bible scholar, but I think prayer is mostly dialogue with God. One particular prayer I'm thinking about is:

Matthew 26:39

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."

I think most of my prayers consist of first, acknowledging that God is God, something I still don't do enough of and can easily forget about. Secondly, formally telling God what is on my and what I would like to see in accordance with his will. And lastly, acknowledging that God is God and asking that his will be done over mine. Those are my more private prayers, at least.

What do I do when I'm with my friends? I do a lot more story telling. My friends don't know about me like God knows about me. I have to explain a lot of background to them and things are always told from my perspective. Sure, my prayer might be like, "I need prayer for this class. I'm struggling really hard but it's not going anywhere." But in the background story I talked about how much my professor sucked, how my TA needs to learn english and how my group members are stupid.

This is slander. My real prayer should have been in repentance to God for my callous heart and most likely laziness that led to my bad grades, asking for transformation only the Spirit can give.

And what's worse is that my friends probably don't think anything is wrong. They've hated a professor before and been frustrated with a TA or some nonchalant group members. They know where I'm coming from and they justify their sin with mine and I with theirs'. If anything, we should be praying for this professor, this TA, or these group members. Jesus tells us to pray for your enemies (not that they're actually your enemies or anything).

God will give us everything we ask in Jesus Christ's name. These are things of love and forgiveness, not hatred. "Father in heaven, let me forgive my professor, forgive my TA, and forgive my group members. Heal the anger in my heart because, like the wicked servant, I am still so hateful in light of how much I've been forgiven. Make my heart into one that is like your Son's, filled with a love that covers a multitude of sins. Amen"

Easter Testimony

I was baptized last week so my testimony is still very fresh in my mind. Unfortunately, I don't think my story is very entertaining. I don't have many huge moments where God showed me everything in an epic moment, but rather God has tended to enlighten me gradually through my daily walk. I am going to write this from scratch so it won't be too organized, but I'd rather it be this way than sound like an essay.

So it all started with my first girlfriend. Just a quick background: my entire teenage years were devoted to girls. I wanted to take French class just because I thought there would be more girls than Spanish classes. I switched from violin to double bass in orchestra because I realized there were many violin players...only one bassist. It'd be easier for a girl to notice me. And you laugh...but it actually worked! I "initiated" my first girlfriend in December of eighth grade and it lasted until my February of freshman year. I remember. I had the date in my AIM profile.

This girl was my world. I talked to her constantly. I thought about her constantly. I'd visit her constantly. I walked two miles one way to see her. I'd envision what we would do years and years from now. Every holiday was an excuse to celebrate her. Quite literally...the object of my worship. But then...someone gave her a gift for Christmas. I was very, very jealous for her. It wasn't just that she got a gift from someone, but that she had even told me that this guy had confessed his affections to her before. And she accepted his gift. I wasn't very happy. My jealousy eventually pushed her away and she broke up with me.

I was a wreck for a couple months. My friends would tell me that I was a zombie. I never talked to anyone in school. I just wanted everyone to see my pain, how badly this was affecting me. There was a huge hole where there used to be an overflow of attention for me and I wanted to repair it so badly. I would go home and run blunt knives across my arms. I wanted to kill myself but I was too scared to die. I asked everyone for help, my friends, my enemies, her new boyfriend, and even my parents. Nothing worked.

However, my friend, Sam, asked me to go to church with him one day. I had no idea about what church was like so I went. They sang songs and I liked singing. Enough by Christ Tomlin was a song we often sang and each time, I related it back to my ex-girlfriend. I was still stuck. But something kept me there. There was wisdom in what was being preached. And I liked singing songs. So I kept going and I kept going. Eventually, I attended the summer youth retreat where the guest speaker asked us..."If you want to be saved, ask Jesus to come into your life". And I did that. I knew I was broken and had to be fixed. God didn't need to me to be the best because he knew I was the worst. And I knew I was the worst. And God healed me of my anguish. But at the time, I really didn't know what I was getting into.

I think I lived with a kind of moralism for most of my high school years. I was big on forgiving people because I had been forgiven. No drugs, no alcohol. You weren't supposed to steal. When I got challenged to a fight, I made up my mind to just show and let the guy hit me until he was satisfied. I'd be like Jesus then, right? Suffering for an enemy. But I still had a lot of pride. I wore my arrogance around like a badge of honor. The confidence I exuded made a lot of people respect me. And I was after the respect and admiration...of girls. Still after girls.

I got good at manipulating people. I would purposely not respond to texts or IMs or give the cold shoulder. I played a lot of mind games. But to me, I was always the good guy. I still had my share of heart break and betrayal. And I did my share of my breaking hearts and betraying others' trust. I remember a point in time during my senior year when things were at their worst and I prayed to God to take it away from me. Whatever hold I had over girls...I didn't want it anymore.

I was still a sinner. Moralism was failing and I couldn't do it on my own. But by the grace of God, he was still working through scum like me. Some of my friends were coming to know God through our interactions. Granted, it was me arguing harshly with them, it was me pushing a truth that I didn't even understand onto them, but God was working nonetheless.

Looking back, I don't think I had very much guidance. No one reached out to me too much and in the same way, I didn't think of the church as my home. I would usually go for the message and leave shortly afterward. Sometimes it was because not many people talked to me, sometimes it was because I didn't want to talk to anyone. By the middle of my freshman year in college, I had left altogether. I drifted for a while, dissatisfied with how my life was going. God was humbling me. I wasn't doing very well in school, I wasn't finding any cute girls to like.

Some time in between all this, my friend, Henrik, invited me to a bible study for KCM. I was floored right away. These people actually seemed like they cared about me! And they were smart! I kept going to KCM and during the next semester, I started learning theology with many of them. One week, we were going over the characteristics of salvation. There were seven, none of which I specifically remember. But at the time, I realized I didn't have any of them. So I prayed. And I prayed over those seven things for a month. When I came out of it, I've experienced this lasting transformation that has lasted to this day. I've been far from perfect. I'm still a sinner but God can love sinners. He killed his Son for sinners. I was talking to a Muslim this week, and I explained...this is why we believe the Gospel! Where have you found love more compelling, more offensive, more invasive? Praise God for crushing the Son of Man for our sake. All glory belongs to him alone.

The Will of God

I've been consciously aware that I've been living the past six months of my Christian life with an eye and an ear towards God. I've been living with the intention of trying to discern God's will in real time, as he saw fit to give it to me. My thesis was that because we can usually see what God was doing in our lives in hind sight, there is a level of logic to his will that we can understand. If there is a level of logic to his will that we can understand, perhaps it is not too far fetched to understand his will in the present reality, perhaps in every thing we do. This line of thought was incredibly arrogant and misguided.

Now, I don't mean to say that none of his will is discernible or understandable to us. God has given us the Bible, part of his will that is readily available. However, a large part of his will is hidden and while we may be to able to partly discern that will, much of it will remain a mystery to us in the present time. In the way I lived my life, I severely underestimated the grace of God in revealing how he was working in my life after the fact.

In one aspect, we are seriously limited by our purview. We do not see how God is working because we can't see the big picture and therefore just cannot fathom what God is doing. In another aspect, he does things that transcend our understanding, like sending a righteous Son to die for unrighteous sinners. Again, we can't fathom what God is doing.

In short, it's not possible to completely know the will of God. So how do I live? How do I know if God is telling me something and what exactly is God telling me? Is there anything I can even do if God's will is absolute and he has ordained everything from before the beginning of time?

We can surrender to that will. Logically, that is about the only thing we can do if God's will is absolute. None of this trying to interpret stuff. None of that is important. Instead, I can surrender my life as a living sacrifice and maintain faith given by the Holy Spirit in the promises of God.

This one is particularly relevant to me right now: What is God trying to tell me I get along really well with a girl? I have no clue and I shouldn't pretend to know! There's the possibility that God has introduced her into my life so that we get married later. Sure. There's also the possibility that I'm merely supposed to be a vessel through which God can exhort and encourage her, that I am growing closer to her so I can protect her as a brother. There are many more possibilities and I have no idea which one is the "will of God". All I can do is surrender and have faith in the promises he has given me.

Promise. Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Thanks be to Brian Chen for illuminating this to me.

Exploring The Idea of Marriage

I'm not going to lie. Relationships and marriage seem to be concerning me a lot more lately, most likely because I think they're more relevant to me now as I'm in my final half of my undergraduate college career. I've been asking my peers on their views and I've gotten a pretty general answer every time: "I really don't know".

There are a lot of views out there but none of us really have anything formulated. I'm going to lay out an idea sparked by Kevin DeYoung's blog a few days ago. He was briefly listing a few things he learned from John Calvin's biography. It says:

"13. Some traditions must change. “He argued for the freedom of the marriage contract and mutual consent of man and woman, a fundamental point he continually defended in his sermons. Consensual engagements were essential; children were not to be forced into unions by their parents” (295)."

Now, DeYoung's point is not focusing on marriage, but that traditions must change. Marriage was merely the tradition that Calvin argued should change. However, Calvin's thoughts made me think about how my peers and I are thinking about marriage. Ever since Pastor Robert's sermon at KCM, the words "contractual agreement" have been ringing in the ears of most guys at our fellowship. The emphasis has been on continual commitment to the relationship/marriage even when "love" dies down between either or both parties. The biggest role model we have for this policy is of course, God's covenant with us. We see this a lot in Genesis, God's covenant with Adam and Exodus with his covenant to the Jewish people. In the end, we see the truest fulfillment of his covenant with man, including the Gentiles, through his Son, Jesus Christ.

So once we're in a marriage/whatever...we need to commit. There are usually no arguments there. It idealizes the love that God has for us, so why would anyone disagree? However, I feel like there is a danger of thinking about it...as just a covenant. Just a contractual agreement. That little bit from Calvin's biography really made me think about how we approach relationships. I've talked with some guys about whether they think a "click" or a "spark" is necessary for a relationship. The answer is always no. There is still in my mind, no. But some used evidence like parents who had arranged marriages that worked out really well, etc. Here, Calvin is taking an opposing stance. Is Calvin wrong?

I'm tempted to say no just because he's John Calvin. I haven't read his biography so I don't know why exactly he pushed this point but I can think of God's love for us as an example of this. Does God love us because he made a covenant with us? Or does his love for us entail the covenant? Which one causes the other? 1 John 3 will tell us that God IS love. While having commitment in the relationship, I don't think we should be so quick to dismiss love. If you have love, the commitment should naturally follow right? Perhaps the reverse is not necessarily true.

"I'm Giving Up Lent for Lent"

Lent is originally a Catholic tradition, part of the Liturgical Church year that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Wednesday, that calls practitioners to emulate the forty day fast Jesus Christ by giving up "something" for forty days as well. To my knowledge, most practitioners do not choose to give up food altogether like Jesus did, but they usually want to give up some part of their life that will cause them at least mild discomfort. I think the main idea is to show that we are in need of God more than we are in need of these other things in our lives that sometimes fill up our time.

However, despite its seemingly "good" nature, lent seems to be brushed aside or looked down upon in some circles. Many mock it as the "Christian New Years Resolutions" or give the catchy tag-line that I titled this entry. They argue that many use lent as an excuse to give up something temporarily for God as many practitioners often "break" lent at the first available opportunity and continue to indulge in whatever vice they sacrificed and continue with their normal lives. This kind of demonstration almost seems legalistic in that you will somehow appease God and make him happy by giving up something for that period of time, giving you some leeway to engross yourself in it for the other 325 days. Another argument against lent is that many feel like it is an excuse to wait until these specific days to give up something for God, when we should be constantly examining ourselves and cutting off vices that we/other see hindering us from worship of the Lord.

These arguments are good arguments. Christianity is not a legalistic religion. Just DOING something will never secure one's salvation. Instead, we are only saved by God's sovereignty and grace, being transformed by the love of Jesus Christ and allowing us to have faith in the promise of freedom from sin and the future glory we will possess for eternity in heaven with God.

Thus, despite the naysayers, I am participating in lent this year. There is nothing inherently wrong with lent. In fact, it is "Christians" or even Christians who pervert (make something wrong of) a perfectly fine practice. Why not give up something for God? There is nothing wrong in that. Let's not be legalistic in lent on either side of the issue. You can choose to participate or not participate and if you glorify God with your choice, that seems like enough. I pray that I will not fall into any of the pitfalls I mentioned earlier and if I do, I pray that God would lead me to see my sin and lead me towards him once again.

One In Love

This is an entry about the OIL conference in review. I don't believe that I learned much in terms of pure knowledge or had any of my doctrines radically changed, but I do believe that I had my heart changed in many areas that were in need of reformation.

First of all, my views on praise were changed drastically. Being at KCM amd being bombarded by ideals of Christ-centeredness on a daily basis are definitely a blessing, yet in my sin and pride I was able to distort those ideas. When looking on every praise song we sang at the conference, my eyes were very critical, always questioning the credibility of the praise around me, asking for more "Jesus" in every line of each song we sang. I was greatly discouraged after the second morning worship but found solace in the fact that at least my peers felt the same way. As evening worship rolled around, I was looking for any familiar song to which I could praise the name of Jesus with and was also being let down in such a way that I felt like leaving for home right then and there. However, that's when I saw title Reign In Us by Starfield on the overhead projector. I rejoiced in my heart. Hallelujah, I get to praise God now! I sang the first verse and pre-chorus and chorus very contently. "Yes, Mighty One, you reign in us!" But then it occurred to me to start reading the lyrics a little more closely. To my astonishment, I found very little hints of the explicit Gospel except for the name "Lord Jesus" in the pre-chorus in a song that I really liked and would recommend to anyone. Then conviction hit me and made me aware of my pride and judgment this group of believers. The mere unfamiliarity of these songs had hindered me from worship of the true God who sent his only Son to die on the cross, taking the wrath that was meant for me, but then rising again to give me hope to join him in heaven. I looked on each song afterward with new eyes. After conferring with Henrik, he exclaimed, "Yeah the songs looked different for some reason!" I can only surmise that it was the Holy Spirit's intercession, opening our eyes to our pride but then pointing us to true worship of Jesus Christ, our savior.

Secondly, a peculiar thing happened before this enormous revelation I received on the second night. Though I did not particularly like any of the songs that we were singing during worship, I admitted that there was nothing fundamentally flawed with them that conflicted with my doctrine. You could in fact praise God with these songs if you were in the correct heart of worship, whatever that means. So when I decided that I would simply not sing a song because I deemed it "unworthy" of my praise to God, I would sit down in my chair and pray. I prayed to God that each person in the room would have the correct heart of worship to praise God with what I found out later were a plethora of Hillsong and Chris Tomlin songs. And then it hit me, once again, or rather, once before. I was actually praying for people. God was working in me, despite my pride of criticizing the song selection, to give me a heart for others, truly concerned about their worship towards God. It has been my biggest prayer since the end of the conference that I would not lose this incredible gift of prayer that God was gracious enough to bless me with. In fact, that same second night of worship ended in a time of prayer. I prayed for a certain amount of time with my eyes closed and when I opened them, I saw Willis walking around. He asked me if I wanted to pray together and then followed with, "What time is it? Eleven?" It was midnight. I don't know how long we had been praying for but it was incredible!

My last face-pwnage came during the last message giving by none other than Dr. Carson, preaching on the parable of the talents (Luke 19:11-7). Now, I was very excited for this message, having undergone two huge mind-crushes already (and praying to God that they would be genuine transformations), but this was actually a parable that I had questions about and wasn't able to interpret any satisfactory meaning on my own. I do not have the faculties to summarize Carson's message point by point and deliver every blow of truth that Carson preached from the Word of God that morning, but the biggest thing that broke my jaw in half was the emphasis on God's kingdom in the eternal sense. For the last year, I had been driving myself with 1 Cor 13 and its whole emphasis on love which 1 John 3 confirms. However, I had been wrapped up with love in the worldly sense. In a "Ghandi" sense if you will. Being a nice guy a good role model (point towards Christ), and in fact, I wanted to turn my evangelism towards something that agreed more with this. I felt that cold evangelism was ineffective and thought I might do something else that would catch people's eyes in a different way. Going off of Matt 5:14-16, I would do something like give umbrellas out when it was raining and have little Christian notes attached or something. But this is such a round-a-bout method. Instead of giving them an umbrella, why not give them Christ? Instead of working so hard to make myself into the image of Christ to point them to Christ (not that this is bad in itself), why not just give them Christ? I did not save them but Jesus Christ did. I now discovered why it was so hard to give up my life to God and that was because I was not living my life with the idea of furthering his assets, which is exactly the ideology of the last servant whom the master condemns in the parable.

So that's it. I will be attending next year. It was pretty awesome.