Bitterness

It's hard to forgive your brother.
It's hard to forgive your brother when he called you out in public.
It's hard to forgive your brother when he called you out in public when you were supposed to be the leader.
It's hard to forgive your brother when he called you out in public when you were supposed to be the leader and you believed you were working extra hard to serve those who you were leading.
It's hard to forgive your brother when he called you out in public when you were supposed to be the leader and you believed you were working extra hard to serve those who you were leading, even sacrificing yourself in doing so.

Except when Jesus Christ was the one who sacrificed himself.
Except when Jesus Christ was the one who sacrificed himself for those he was working extra hard to save.
Except when Jesus Christ was the one who sacrificed himself for those he was working extra hard to save when they desperately needed a savior.
Except when Jesus Christ was the one who sacrificed himself for those he was working extra hard to save when they desperately needed a savior, yet was crucified and publicly condemned to death.
Except when Jesus Christ has forgiven me.

Praise God for the gift of forgiveness. Praise God for the gift of salvation.

Spectra

My cat always follows me around, meowing, rubbing up against my calves. She wants me to pet her or scratch her head. Basically, giving her attention in general is kind of what she lives for. However, I'm busy sometimes. I have to go to work, I have to go to school, go hang out with my friends. She can't understand why I have to leave the house or that I want to sleep in sometimes (instead of being clawed in the face).

I feel like the owner-pet relationship is very similar to one that we practice with God. In our walk, we often-times enjoy reveling in God's wondrous plan and all that He has in store for us. God is happy to bring us joy and peace, yet His goals stretch much further than ourselves and I feel like I've forgotten that at times. God is not only concerned with edifying myself, but the entire world, all of the elect. If I continue to pray selfishly, God please let me get this job, please let me get this A, please let this girl be the one, etc, then I will be very much like my cat. I will keep calling out for His attention and not understand that His existence and being are on such a different level that I cannot even comprehend.

He has much more planned in the masterpiece of Creation than my lowly life. I pray that my heart is one that yearns to pray for others, realizing the depth of God's grace not only for myself but for all the elect that were, are, and are yet to come.

Late Night Prayer

The last four updates I've tried to write have all been collecting dust in the digital drawer of the Blog-spot dashboard. I guess I really didn't think I had much to say about anything or I thought that anything I thought of wasn't worth sharing in the end. Tonight, it's 1:48 AM and I'm in a small town named Sayre in Pennsylvania where my cousin, aunt, uncle, and grandmother live. My father and I visit them every so often but I'd be lying if I told you that I enjoyed the visits. I'm bored a lot of the times, just surfing the internet on my Mac (pretty much what I do anyways) and I can't be with my friends to do anything fun with.

However, God has a plan for us all. Each time He's sent me up here, I've been bitter. Every time my father asked me if I was free to go to see my grandmother, I was hesitant. This was only because I was unaware of the glory of God and His willingness to use me. A lot of us, I think, have been a little cautious when we hear things about praying and then witnessing instant healing or just modern day miracles from God in general. What we would call the "Charismatic" view turns a lot of Christians off because they feel that things like tongues just freak them out.

I'm still a little hesitant but I have prayed for gifts of the Spirit, while still being cautious and asking God to only give me these if they are by His will. The thing I keep forgetting though, is that my testimony includes a story of healing from God. I believe that I had clinical depression when God brought me to Him and then I was healed afterward. Now, I don't know if I had it for sure, so I've been hesitant to base my belief modern day miracles on that. However, I think God has brought me to this town to see my family to show me that they exist.

Twice now, as this happened the last time I was here and I just forgot about it, I've heard my grandmother calling out in her sleep, pleading. I was, at first, freaked out. Then I prayed. I prayed that whatever was ailing my grandmother would pass from her. This time I prayed that it would pass from her, pass from this house, this family, and never come back. Right after I pray those words in my head, my grandmother stops crying out. I continue to pray and praise God for He is worthy of all praise!

The Mortification of Sin

Sin is powerful. I can't imagine anyone denying this fact. It's a force so strong that it envelopes the entire planet. This world dwells in sin. Its ruler is practically the author of it. It's strategies are very sly. It often begins with the opportunity for greater happiness. Because our hearts are evil to the core, our own self-pleasure and indulgence are enough to gain our approval. I want to be happy but at what cost? My soul? What is a soul, anyways?

*I am truly grateful that my God is a God that does not care about what I think will make me happy. Thank God that He will impose His will on me. I pray the day never comes when He gives me all that I desire that does not focus on His Son and Himself and the Holy Spirit.*

Sin is like a shape shifter. It takes many forms, some implicitly innocent and some explicitly atrocious. It embeds itself into our daily actions so seamlessly that we don't even notice it's there. I pray the day never comes when I become so self-absorbed in my sins that I do not realized I am committing treason and blasphemy against God.

It is not only amorphous as to the shape it comes in but it can mold itself to each of us, individually. It's truly a formidable opponent. When one is a fledgling in the faith, sin works by giving the person nonchalance, the idea that this particular sin isn't that big of a deal. One often believes that God will punish those who are truly sinful, the murderers, adulterers. Yet Jesus says that if you have ever been angered against your brother, you have murdered him in your heart. Yet Jesus says that if you have ever looked on another with sexual desire, you have committed adultery in your heart. The world tells us that these thoughts are normal, that it's only natural to think this way because we're human.

Truly, we are humans worthy of eternal condemnation. This thought may dawn on us many years later when we consider ourselves soldiers for the faith. Yet sin can bring us down with other methods. Instead of under emphasizing itself, it will hyperbolicly over emphasize itself to the point where we are consumed with guilt. Are Savior died for my sins, yet I have crucified Him again and again. How unworthy I am to be chosen among the elect.

I pray that we would not fall into despair and that we would remember that Jesus, the Son of God, did not come into the world for the righteous and faithful, yet came for sinners like ourselves. For the murderers, thieves, adulterers, tax collectors, prostitutes, and every other wayward soul that does not deserve redemption. Yet through the ever enduring love of God, Jesus died on the cross, taking the punishment of our sins onto Himself. And then was resurrected so that all who believe in Him may have salvation and eternal life in the glory of God, the Almighty.

Evangelism 1.0

I am the worst sinner I know, yet God continues to use me fruitfully for His purpose. For that, I am ever in awe and grateful for His mercy that continually rains down upon us. Today, I went to do some cold turkey evangelizing in Stamp Student Union of UMCP. It was my first experience with this type of evangelizing as I really preferred to talk to people I know. I was pretty concerned with potential confrontations I could get into with people and I didn't want it to end up as merely an argument. Thus, I decided to try to make a sneakier way to try and spark the conversation. I wanted to make it a survey/interview style of introduction and while I was in this idea, I figured that I might as well turn it into a real survey/interview and collect some data on the people I talked to! I ended up printing out 10 copies of my survey but only had time to go through 5 of them during my time at Stamp, which was around 2 hours.

If anyone's interested, in the actual break down, I met 4 Christians (1 who was Catholic) and 1 person who practiced Sikhism. Sadly, the Catholic guy was the one who couldn't tell me what the Gospel was. That was disheartening to see my stereotypes reinforced. I'm actually really concerned for my Catholic brothers and sisters in this day and age. I hope that the Roman Catholic and Presbyterian churches can open up dialogue again. The Sikhism guy was actually really open to what I had to say. Later, I talked to Moses about it and he said that many Indians who practice faiths (that includes Islam) are usually like that and are really tolerant of other religions. This is kind of frustrating as they'll agree to what we agree on, yet never try to see to confirm which side has more truth. This is my first instance of where I see post-modernism's dangers.

Another interesting point I saw that 4/5 of the people were connected to their faith through their parents (being born into the faith) and 3/5 connected their faith throug intellectual curiosity in the search for the truth. It really shows that while we hear a lot about how kids being brought up in the church turns them off to Christianity, rearing children through faith seems to bear fruit. Yet another interesting point is that while all Christians I interviewed said that the Bible was 100% true, half of them told me that the commandments Jesus' gave us regarding to how we should live our life were more like guidelines and suggestions than actual law we needed to practice. Interestingly enough as well, both of them go to The Gathering.

Out of the 3 Christians who were able to share the Gospel with me, Jesus' death on the cross was mentioned 3/3. However, salvation through faith alone was only mentioned once, original sin was mentioned twice, and His resurrection was only mentioned once as well. Despite arguments that might suggest that their unpreparedness for my questions led them to stumble in their incomplete Gospel message to me, I find that main idea of Christianity is pretty important to know at all times if you count yourself as a Christian. One thing I did not expect was that these Christians I interviewed told me that they were not only knowledgeable in Christianity as a faith, but every single one of them told me that they were knowledgeable about other religions as well.

So far, I've seen no correlation between someone's major or someone's race or someone's sex or someone's year in college and their views in faith. Granted, all these evaluations are made on a small sample size and are hardly statistically significant. I wasn't trying to put down any organizations or people in this blog, but I just wanted to share my findings. Generalizations shouldn't be made from the data I've collected so far but I intend to keep this up at least until the end of the semester and see what the data yields in a larger comprehensive study. In case you're wondering, Vincent, I didn't include your interview in the sample because it would've skewed the data.

Praying Like Paul

First off, have to say that the KCM CP chapter retreat was awesome. I definitely invite all who did not attend this year to attend next year's. I really was thinking of inviting Sam Ock but thought his presence might've been a slight distraction. Perhaps I did not give enough credit to the rest of KCM and I know Sam would have enjoyed it. In any case, one of the biggest thing we took away from the retreat was to pray like Paul did. Why don't we feel like our prayers are getting answered? Well God tends to glorify Himself in everything so praying for things that won't glorify Him may not work out so well. Paul was someone who prayed regarding God's glory; however, and so Pastor Robert was expounding on how praying like Paul started answering his own prayers much more as well.

Philippians 1:9-11
"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God."

This is obviously a more God-glorifying prayer than "Please let me do well on my test tomorrow."

However, we see that there are other times where Paul offers his prayers to other groups. In Ephesians 1:17-19 it says (I'm including "I pray" in here because it's in my NIV but the website I'm getting bible verses from has omitted it and it's just easier to understand that way):

"(I pray) that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might"

It's easy to see a correlation between this prayer in Ephesians and the one in Philippians. A "spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him", etc and a "love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment" are pretty similar in the ideas of themselves. However, Paul uses them to a different degree. The one from Philippians is so that we may "approve what is excellent". The one in Ephesians is so that we may "that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you". Slight differences but worth noting.

Just to expound upon it more, the Philippians prayer seems to focus more on discernment, meaning being able to judge well and tell what is right from wrong. The Ephesians prayer, while also having to do with knowledge, is more fundamental and basically wishes for your knowledge of how great God is and His great glory.

Moving right along...there's yet another one of Paul's prayers in Colossians 1:9-12

"And so from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light."

Yet again, we see a prayer of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. And yet again, the application is different, taking a route similar to Ephesians 4:1 and Philippians 1:27, calling them "to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord". This has more to deal with bearing good fruit. Paul later says to have endurance and patience, along with joy.

In 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

"To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ."

There's no mention of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding in this prayer. The main prayer was a what I thought was a bi-product of that wisdom which was being "worthy of his calling". This prayer is similar to the one in Thessalonians, yet applies more directly to God's glory instead of what being worthy applies to us for (which was the previous prayer in Colossians).

Finally, we have the last of Pauls' prayers explicitly in the Bible in Philemon 6:

"and I pray that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ."

I think Paul is praying that Philemon's evangelism may be good, conveying the whole gospel (full knowledge).




I hope this run-through wasn't too tedious but it was something I wanted to share and do for myself, so here's the summary:

Paul's cited prayers:
1. that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent
2. that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you
3. that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.
4. that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you
5. that the sharing of your faith may become effective for the full knowledge of every good thing that is in us for the sake of Christ.

Conclusions to take away from this compilation is that praying for knowledge, discernment, understanding, and wisdom will allow you to know God better and thus allow you know what is good in the sight of God. Another one is to be worthy of God's calling, bearing good fruit and also glorifying God. And the last is that we may share our knowledge well, telling of the gospel in its entirety. You may recognize that these ideas kind of lead to one another; that knowledge and discernment will lead to being able to be worthy of God, and being worthy of God means you are sharing the gospel, etc. in an endless cycle. But it's probably better to pray for all of them!

Would you die for a Chicken?

It's truly the most amazing story. Jesus Christ, God, died on the cross for my sins and yours. Why were we so important? We are foul, despicable creatures due to our sinful nature. Yet the Father gave the life of His Son for us. How much Love was needed for that act?

So I went home this weekend to a house full of poop. There was feces strewn everywhere. I kid you not. My dad had decided to take a week hiatus from the house where my cat was allowed to roam free. She's old now and like all old things, their bowel movements are prone to an increase in regularity. I imagine the litter box filled up quickly. There might have been twenty individual stains I had to clean up. I literally used up a whole container of Lysol wipes in this process.

When my mom picked me up today, I mentioned this whole ordeal and she said maybe we should give my cat away to a shelter now because it's getting difficult to take care of her and well...no one is around to do it. This seems reasonable but I am staunchly opposed to this idea. My cat is very specific to our family, our house, and perhaps me. I'm really the only one she seeks affection from. This means that the idea of giving her away to another family is kind of out of the question because she would probably end up wreaking havoc and just being a total pain for the new family.

I don't want to give her up to a shelter though because I can't imagine her living in a cage. I know she would hate it and would be so confused. I know I'm giving my cat a little too much credit with all these emotions but I'm sure any pet owner knows that an animal has a wide range of emotions (including vengeance). This is why I just came out and said to my mom, well why don't we just kill her then? Not existing is so peaceful. An animal doesn't have a soul so I don't have to worry about her not being a Christian and going to hell. It would just make everything much simpler. Obviously, I don't want to kill her. She's my cat, I've had her for twelve years now and I've become really attached to her. I feel kind of guilty for this because I'm basically saying...well you're being kind of a pain now and we don't need that. Bye bye.

I'm in a "God"-like situation here. I control her fate (for all I know). I could be a loving god and deal with all her vile, disgusting-ness. Or I could be remorseless and dump her to the waste basket. It's easy to see the parallel I'm making with the Gospel I mentioned in the beginning.

Now it's easy to say, "Hey, Genesis chapter 1 verse 26 says 'Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."'"

Because of this verse, it means that I can do with an animal what I will. I have the God given ability to do that (which means I can eat a lot of delicious meals). Yet by that same token, God has the God given ability to do with us what He will. He could kill us all at any instant if it was in His nature. We are His creation. But instead, He sent His Son to die for us. I'm sure perhaps one angel might've piped up at this time and been outraged. That God would die for something He had all authority over. It would be like me dying to save some chickens.

Jesus basically did that for us, except we're the chickens, and even on a greater and more outrageous scale than that. Thoughts?

Being Left Behind

Have you ever been left out of a get together that all of your other friends were going to? Probably everyone has unless you're the bee's knees (I've heard that phrase way too much lately). And obviously, it isn't a very pleasant experience. I remember whenever I was left out of something, I'd immediately try to have a get together with some of my other friends so that I could get over that lonely feeling as quickly as possible. However, while this may be the best solution for one's sanity and emotional stability, it may not be the right course of action.

This post is sort of a response to Henrik's and one of my other friends has come to me for counsel on this matter of being left out. I felt it last semester, actually. Many of you don't know this about me but I started drinking last summer. It was basically because a group of friends I made drank whenever they got together, so I felt odd not doing the same. And it was addicting. I had a lot of fun when I was intoxicated and I never really got into trouble (didn't drive or anything) so I felt like it all fun and games. It's startling that I had that mindset if you read one of my past xanga entries on how I would never drink. How weak I am.

In any case, this carried over into last semester for a short amount of time. I went out partying with Wes once, which I really regret because I instigated him to sin. And then the day after that, I went to yet another party on my own. That night, I was introduced to the consequences of drinking. I had too much and I threw up for the rest of the night. It was probably one of the most horrible experiences I've ever had in my life. The worst part was that I still didn't feel quite alright after I woke up the next day which is what really scared me. Ever since, I haven't had a drop of alcohol touch my lips, though I'd be lying if I didn't say I had the urge to go party sometimes.

I can pinpoint one exact moment, maybe a couple weeks after this incident when some of those friends (who introduced me to drinking) wanted to go out one night. It was sort of a last minute thing so I was scrounging around for details, hoping to get in on that action. To my dismay, none of them replied to me with info on what they were doing. Of course I felt crappy and left out. Yet I bet all of you can see that God was at work. What good could ever come from God hardening someone's heart (if you've ever had that question)? These friends were hardened against me, not inviting me to go party with them. Praise the Lord! I didn't go out drinking with them that night.

My point is that God continually works for our best. I know that all of you believe in that. So there's no point in being sad when the Lord Almighty is watching out for you.

Dating at a Glance

I know I promised myself and more or less you readers that I would not be thinking about dating anyone for a while. And the truth is that this particular idea is going very well for me. I haven't thought about dating anyone or getting close to anyone in that way for the entire semester thus far. I pray that I continue to remain strong. This doesn't mean that I won't think some girls are pretty or that I won't be excited to feel a connection with someone, but my thoughts of dating are being subdued.

However, I feel compelled to write an entry on my thoughts on dating and how things should be done. It's a pretty simple concept that you've all heard before. Just be yourself. I really can't stress how important that is. For many of you, my involvement with girls has really only come from my mouth. Stories I've told, concerns I've had, tough decisions I was debating on making or not making. But I know at least one reader of this blog can attest to the fact that I know how to get a girl (sometimes multiples). In truth, I don't particularly pride myself on that fact and I remember praying that God would take that ability away from me. I know that may seem insane to many of you, yet I really wished I could revert to my clumsy middle school self sometimes who had no idea what to do when a girl approached him. Even though I might not have said the right thing in this sad, pathetic state, I know that everything I said was genuine and that it was me who was saying it. And that is the whole point. If a girl likes me and I like her after all my fumbling, I'll have a pretty good idea that she likes me for me. If I can make a girl feel special about herself (and trust me guys, it's not too hard to complement someone), I won't really know if we have a true connection.

The only downside to being one's self is that sometimes things won't work out the way you want it to. "Man, I really wanted that girl to be my girlfriend, but she just didn't like who I was in the end and we didn't connect." Obviously, rejection hurts but the thing one has to realize is that it's better not to connect in the beginning. It would have been much worse if hypothetical girl and guy were to start dating for a while because hypothetical guy was a really good sweet talker, but then realize they had no connection. The heart break after that would be much harsher. The truth is that the point is not to win the girl. The point is to win THE girl, am i right? You don't need someone who isn't for you. I've honestly been disappointed after I had no connection with a pretty girl and thought "if only she was more interesting or quirky or enjoyed my sense of humor". Those thoughts are dangerous because I liked the "idea of the girl" instead of the girl herself. You can't change who people are or how they feel.

Well you could argue that you're being yourself and "sweet talking girls is just a part of who I am" and that may be true. But it's not hard to do that. Anyone can sweet talk someone. Anyone can fall in love with someone else. Anyone can be swept off their feet. All you need is the right broom. But what if that broom was just you? And no cheap tricks. That's when you know it's real.

The Mysterious Ways of the Lord

Trials and misfortunes are easily one of the most controversial evidences of God's existence in my mind. "If God was so great, why couldn't His plan have been for me to get everything I wanted and be happy and still live in His word? Couldn't the Almighty have some say in doing that?" I don't think many of us would say that out loud anymore but perhaps a thought passes by in our minds when we just can't fathom what possible good could come out of getting a speeding ticket or failing a class in school.

It's at times like those where it seems that God's will is against us. We know we're tiny creatures that can't see what's going to happen down the road. We accept it. But I can't help but feel a little sad and angry over narrowly missing out on an A because of some dumb mistake I made on a test. What good could it possibly have done me to get a B? What good could it possibly have done me to get in that car accident? Now my GPA will be lower and it'll be harder for me to stand out and get a job. Now I'll have to bother my parents with car insurance issues. I'll try to reconcile myself and say, "Well maybe God wants me to work in this one place that I'd normally pass over if my GPA was higher." "Maybe God knew I was going to get in a fatal accident soon so He put me in a small one so I would be more careful from now on."

I try my best to believe in these possibilities yet I know I don't fully. I'm still full of sadness and anger. And though these seem like huge issues to me now, there are huge life events I haven't even been through. I wonder what I would think if my (potential) wife wanted to get a divorce from me in the future. "Why, God? What good could possibly come from this?" At the moment, I can't think of something I could reconcile myself with in that situation. It seems utterly hopeless to me.

I bring up this example because my parents are getting/got divorced. I don't really know the exact situation right now but they don't live together and don't talk with each other. I've talked with them about most of my love interests so I know what they think about the whole thing. And the real truth is that they were just like me when they were younger. The whole emphasis we feel on getting married and living happily ever after was present in their generation as well. How did it feel for them to get a divorce? How did they reconcile it in their minds?

I imagine it was difficult, especially because neither of them are Christians. But perhaps that was why. Because my parents are separated and I live with my father (because he lives in the house that's close to my friends), my mother often calls me to get lunch or dinner with me. And we talk about whatever's going on. She tells me now and again about how mature I've grown to be and that it's almost like talking to a peer these days. Then a couple of weeks ago, I shared the Gospel with her for the first time. And the awesome thing was that she listened. Afterward, she took me back home and I gave her my old Bible to start reading.

To me, even though she is my mother and constantly informs me of how much she loves me, I don't think she would have appreciated me as much if not for her divorce from my father. We would talk but not to the point where she was desperate to know what was going on in my life. I think it's safe to say that she would've taken me more for granted if we were still living together. So in a way, the divorce is what caused her to get to know me more and become more open to my thoughts. In that way, I was able to share the gospel with her.

God took one of the saddest tragedies and worked for His glory despite the trespass of divorce. I've always remembered the metaphor CS Lewis made when describing God's will through trials. Imagine a baby who is comfortable in his/her mother's womb. The baby is doing well, probably even happy that he grew a new finger the other day when all of a sudden, something tries to push him out. He must be frightened, futilely attempting to confine himself to the womb. Perhaps he can feel the cold outside and desperately wants to stay where he is. To him, this is death or something that threatens his way of life. However, the baby is unaware that if he doesn't leave the womb, he'll die. If he continues to lavish in his comfort in the womb, he won't survive (us). It's only through the knowledge and effort of the mother and doctor (God) trying to release him from his prison that he'll continue to live on.

Christianity 101

One of the more difficult things I deal with in the Christian life is waking up on Sundays for church. Honestly, this is just a matter of laziness and discipline with going to bed earlier on Saturday nights, but I still struggle with it. It hasn't been built into me that I need to go to church on Sunday morning because I don't live in a Christian family. Thus, the church that I claim to have to gone to my entire Christian life, probably does not lay the same claim on me as an attendant.

However, I did decide to go to my church retreat this winter. The theme was Christianity 101, perhaps an appropriate theme for my entry as well. When I saw those words, I was disappointed inside. I like for church messages to be meaningful and let me look at things in a light I had not found before. I usually don't like to waste time with something I've heard already. Gazing upon "Christianity 101" sunk my heart into my stomach because I would have no choice but to endure whatever mundane message was conjured up.

The retreat ended up being insanely insightful though. One of the main things I came away with was how to interpret the Bible. Now, I know I'm one of the few who haven't been going to church their entire lives, but even so, I've gotten acquainted with church culture very intimately. One of the most basic things I can think of is to read the Bible and then discern what it teaches us. Sam Ock once said to me that reading scripture was like food for your Holy Spirit. If you feed it, it'll become stronger and can be more active in your life, ie. help you resist temptation, be more like Christ, etc etc. But if you starve it, obviously it'll be weak and you'll probably fall much more often. This is why reading the Bible is so important. I'd like to think that I was reassured of that fact last semester and would often see my life improving after reading the night before.

The strange truth is that I was not completely right in reading the Bible this way. We often look to the Bible to give us wisdom, to tell us what to do, and to make us better Christians. There is nothing wrong with this, but this is not the most important aspect of the Bible. If you can recall one of my previous entries, I referred to Jesus' declaration that the Pharisees were blind. This was because they knew the Old Testament forwards and backwards yet they didn't realize that it all pointed to Him, the Messiah and Christ. The Bible must mean the same to us. It's not something I should use to make my life better. It will of course do that but that's not it's function. The function of the Bible is to tell about Jesus Christ. And if an object ceases to complete its function, it's either faulty or I'm using it incorrectly.

Now of course we see what the Bible says about Jesus in the New Testament. There's no doubt about that. The whole thing is about Him and we see His name everywhere in it. It' gets more ambiguous when you turn to the Old Testament. Everyone remembers the story of Noah's Ark. I didn't even go to church when I was younger and I know that Noah his family and all the animals of the Earth onto his ark when the flood came. Something you can get out of this is that God has a huge amount of wrath. He flooded the Earth, and also promised that He wouldn't ever do it again. Yet it's harder to see how this points to Jesus (or at least it was for me). Pastor Hank (the speaker) told us that this is God given evidence that a single man can save all of mankind, much like Jesus did.

From here on out, it becomes much easier to analyze passages with this in mind. The story of Jacob and Esau is about two brothers, where one betrays the other in an insanely bad way but he forgives his brother and embraces him when the two meet again. I remember I wrote a xanga entry about this when I first read it because I found it so moving. Esau At the time, I thought about how I should use this example and forgive those around me. Yet, this also shows what kind of forgiveness Jesus showed, that He loved and died and forgave the people who hated Him.

I never know how to conclude these entries.

He Won't Let me!

I think one of the most encouraging evidences you can put towards your salvation is God's continual pwnage of your stupidity. And by stupidity I mean sin/sinful plans/plans in general that He don't care about! One of the facets of salvation is your adoption into God's family. What Father would let His children do wrong and continually just be a nuisance? Of course He would punish and admonish the little brats for being huge pains. They might hate Him for it, but He'd do it despite this and the knowledge of this because He is a good Father.

For most of my entire conscious life, I've been really set on getting a girlfriend. I'm not saying I've never had one, but during those times when I didn't I was completely preoccupied with getting another one. I don't think I was desperate at all, but I would continually wait for someone who I thought was good enough in my mind and pursue them. Sometimes I'd do this even when I did have a girlfriend already as well.... In any case, it's no different now that I'm in college. I haven't been tied down by a member of the opposite sex in a while and it's really gotten to me.

However, this past semester I met who I thought was the most perfect girl I'd met so far. It's too bad that she has a boyfriend but that never stopped me. Seriously, it didn't stop me. I pursued the heck out of her. And I loved every second of it. I could totally be myself around her. I made her laugh, I showed her how fun college could be. The deal sealers were that she's super cute and she was Christian. She was the first Christian girl I was attracted to, actually. She even made me a better Christian. I continually prayed about her, just asking God to either give her to me or take her away. The fact that she had a boyfriend always loomed in my head but I thought I was making a superb case for myself. I cheered her up when she was down and stayed up with her for longs hours doing nothing in particular but having a blast anyways. I thought, "Man, she's special".

And because she was so special, I couldn't be with her. As I've mentioned, she has a boyfriend (who's not me now by the way). It may not sound like much in text, but I've rarely seen someone actually stay faithful to their significant other in the face of even a possibility of happiness elsewhere. I really tried to look into this to see what God was telling me and I couldn't figure it out. Probably that I shouldn't go for girls who didn't have boyfriends. But I've been around the block a couple times. Of course I was down but my heart's been beat into a pulp already so I recovered quickly. Just last week, some old feelings started reviving for one of my best friends. I liked her a couple of years back and things just felt so right with her again. I started to think about maybe becoming more than what we were but of course, she knew what I was thinking. She told me she'd never see me as more than a friend.

Now of course, I'm at my wit's end. I've been trying so hard to return to a relationship where I can just rely on someone else and fall into their arms, yet I haven't been able to. And it's because God won't let me. It's not because it's a sin to have a girlfriend, but because He doesn't want me to. During all this, I've been struggling to do as well as I want to in school and I always thought that if I had the whole girlfriend situation out of the way, I could focus more. Yeah, dumb I know. When I was spending time with girl #1 during the semester, I spent the majority of my day with them. Now I realize that I'd get absolutely nothing done if I had a significant other.

Thank God that You control my life and I do not.

To be Truly Blind

I closed my eyes before I smothered my face with the body wash in my shower. The bottle said Oil Control + Body Wash, so I assumed it was meant to advertise some kind of acne control. I tried it and I think it works for the most part. Normally, I don't wash my face with body wash. I guess it's because I wasn't raised to do so and it never really hurt me before; and it was still drowned in the intense water pressure so dirt never stuck. However, I could have gotten soap into my eyes and that would've been uncomfortable.

I do wash my face with this body wash though. And as I covered my face, I closed my eyes to prevent the soap from stinging my senses. There are a few brief moments when I have momentarily chosen to not see anything. Everything is dark to me. I can still hear the water running, bouncing off my skin as who knows what miles per hour. After I let the shower cleanse my body, I bring my face into range and hurriedly brush my face off with my hands. In fact, I am desperate to regain my sight of things.

This is because I've seen a lot of scary movies, and I'm usually reminded of the shower scene from The Grudge where the zombie's hand pops out of her head. Now, even if I can see, I wouldn't be able to see a hand pop out of the top of my cabesa, but I want to check if anything similar has happened. I don't think I'm scared out of my mind or even very scared at all but I do have the instinct to check. It was because of this frantic urge to see that I realized how much I enjoy seeing.

It might not be a surprise to know that I like to see but if anyone asked me which sense I would give up if I had to, I would say my sight. It's been so glorified that those without sight can still do well. There are hunters who can shoot arrows at beasts from yards away just using sound and Ray Charles could play the piano better than anyone else that I know. Anyone without sight still had a chance to make it in this world and it would possibly let them go higher, just look at Dare Devil. But when I had closed my eyes for those few moments, I was terrified of not being able to see. I wanted to check if that zombie girl would be in my shower and I couldn't do that if my eyes were closed. Afterward, I thought about what it would be like to lose that sight forever and I would totally change my answer. Who needs to smell anyways?! I can still taste my food, thanks.

Being blind means that you don't know where you're going. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit, Matthew 15:14. Now when Jesus rebuked those in the bible and told them they were blind, He didn't mean literally. He meant blind spiritually (or maybe even intellectually). Now he usually called the Pharisees blind but they were the ones who knew scripture insanely well. In the old testament, there are so many indications to the salvation Jesus brings, yet none of them could see it. I know many of us yearn for glimpses of God's miracles. To be blind is to see Jesus and not be aware that He is the messiah and Christ. If you are not blind, you will know He is the Lord. When Jesus healed the blind, they went out and spreads news of him all over the region, Matt 9: 27-31.

I hope I will never again underestimate the troubles of being blind.