Sunday, September 25, 2011

My Summer (Part 3)

Long story short. Everything stems from loving God. And you need to ask God for the grace to love him. That should be enough to try to figure out for a while.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Twas the last fortnight

I have been struggling for the last couple weeks to find out what was wrong with me. I went through my school life fairly normally. I laughed with my friends, I fought through homework with them, I served at KCM and and I served at church. Something was wrong though. I couldn't put my finger on it. I sprained my ankle a couple weeks ago so I haven't been to the gym since. I thought I could attribute my weird feelings to that. Maybe it was a fall depression, something unavoidable. I didn't know how to describe it or explain it so I tried to categorize it as some problem far away and very distant from the actual reality I was going through.

The truth is that I was trying to distance myself from a problem that stemmed directly from my unrepentant heart. It wasn't that it was some mildly obscure issue that I couldn't recognize, but it was something at work in me that was far greater than I could comprehend. The Holy Spirit was telling me that I'm lukewarm. No wonder my brain couldn't figure out what was wrong. God is bigger than I am. Right now he's saying to me..."Are you seeking me with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength?"

Mark 12:30

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

That's a command. A calling. Not an option. Thank you to Pastor David Tauler for revealing God's truth to me tonight.

I'm lukewarm because I got comfortable. I got comfortable being around other lukewarm Christians. I was comparing myself to them. Thinking, "it's okay to be doing this." "This is what this guy's doing and he's a good Christian."

I do not want to blame anyone. This is a result of my own sinful heart. But I do strongly believe that this has been a result of the interactions with Christians I know throughout the school year. I regret that I had not been a better influence on them. I understand so much that everyone is busy with school. It's easy to compartmentalize your life.

"God's called me to be a student." So true. Very true. God's called me to follow him first though. Jesus called his disciples while they were fishermen. They didn't make an excuse. God's called me to love him with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. That seems freaking impossible. You know why? Because I don't love God that much. But he can make a camel go through the eye of a needle. He can change me as well.

God is good and God is faithful. He has recused me so many times. So many times I've gone down the wrong path. He loves me and he's saved me. He works in a way I'll never understand. Praise him!

Monday, September 12, 2011

My Summer (Part 2)

So where I last off, I kind of realized that I had to live a holy life for God. Not only that, but God was changing me in drastic ways to be able to fulfill that command.

"The strength to follow your commands could never come from me" ~ All I Have Is Christ by Sovereign Grace

I lived my next week, feeling free from sin. In the mean time, I went to CBCM's bible study, REM's bible study, and REM's youth group. I was very involved with church to say the least and this was normal. I had resolved to "make use" of my time and do all these things (almost as an experiment to see if it would burn me out).

But at the end of the week, I felt like I hadn't served God at all. I had resolved to live a holy life but was instead merely living a moral one. I did the things that I felt were right in order to keep myself away from guilt and shame. I had gone to each of these church events this week, not seeking to make God's kingdom known, encourage the saints, or even worship him in general. I was going through the motions, going mainly to hang out.

Another change was in order. I needed to be purposeful for the kingdom of God. In fact, I often realized that when I was not purposeful, I often stumbled myself or others. If I'm not aware that the message on Sunday that's being preached is the word of God and I'm just...not thinking anything; it's much easier to doze off. If my sinful flesh would passively do evil and wrong, then I needed to fight actively with the power of the Spirit. I had to live a purposeful life for God.