Attributing Beauty to Perfection

If you watch the first couple minutes of the video, the speaker talks about how our idea of perfection of the use of our senses is associated with whether or not we can perceive beauty. This is in juxtaposition to an evolutionary stand point explaining how our senses evolved, which is that they developed in order to keep us safe. He goes onto explain that we can provide functionality in hearing with a cochlear implant (language recognition), but tells that those with the implant do not appreciate music the same way people with normal functioning ears do. Because it does not do that, he has set his goals to achieve that.

I find this idea fascinating: that the pinnacle of a sense is the ability to perceive beauty and has less to do with its "functionality". If you don't agree with this, we can also think of someone who is color blind. They can see everything functionally well (unless they're trying to hunt zebra), but we would say that they're impaired because they can't perceive color. The pinnacle of sight is the ability to see a beautiful sunset or whatever your cup of tea is.

This goes hand in hand with the idea that God is the Creator. And we are made to worship the Creator, to enjoy him and his creation, to give praise to him for it.

http://bible.cc/isaiah/6-3.htm

There are a list of cross references in addition to Isaiah 6:3 where the Bible depicts that we are to give praise to God and be in awe of his creation. We are creatures that love creativity and beauty. That's why we don't like it when things are boring. They're not creative, they're not stimulating. Why do we like fiction so much? Because it's creative. (Why didn't we develop super hearing/everything else by now if we had billions of years to do it?)

A Letter to my Focus Family

Hello all,

This is to anyone who recalls the discussion we had on guilt many weeks back.

If you do recall, I mentioned that I felt all guilt was bad. What do I mean by guilt? Guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong and is a feeling that will put you into emotional and spiritual paralysis. You will mope. You will feel unworthy. You will feel bad. Will you do anything about it though? Or will you with just every bone in your body keep telling yourself how bad you are? There's no need for this. I mentioned this one before:

Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

This is speaking on the eternal stamp of guilt that you had been stained with through sin. If you are saved in Christ, that stain no longer remains and in fact, you are looked upon as righteous by God, the Father. The same righteousness of Christ's. We are free from sin so there is no need to mope or feel unworthy. They don't do anything for us. Let's repent and turn to God. Guilt will not tell you to do that. Guilt will tell you to hide your face in shame. This does nothing.

That is what I've said previously. Now, I found a new passage a while ago about this:

2 Corinthians 7:10
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

This is probably what some of you were still unclear about. That it still felt necessary to feel bad for what we had done. We have sinned. We need to repent. And here it says a "godly grief" produces repentance. A worldly grief produces death. This is what the MacArthur study bible has to say about this passage, "That kind of sorrow leads only to guilt, shame despair, depression, self-pity, and hopelessness."

So how are we to know which kind of grief we possess? Is it one that leads us back to God or into guilt?

Jesus is for the weak

I remember one of my good friends was upset. He was telling me about how someone in his class was attacking Christianity. She said that she didn't believe in Christianity because it was for weak people. People who couldn't deal with their own problems. People who couldn't pick themselves up.

Yes. That's true.



Matt 5:2-6
And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Luke 5:31-32
And Jesus answered them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance."



We are weak people. And we rely on God's strength alone.



2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Lose Your Life

Matt 16:24-25

Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

And here I've been thinking that I must get my life together before anything else. No, the truth is that I can't even do that. I need only to follow Jesus.

Minimalism

I'm a minimalist at heart because I'm lazy. It's sin. I see it especially in my school work. What is the least amount of work I can put into this class that will get me a grade that I'm satisfied with? Often times, I misjudge and my grade comes out much poorer than I expect but I can't really blame anyone because I chose not to work very hard in the first place.

In any case, how I view school is wrong in the first place because my end thought is the grade that I will receive. Not, did I learn anything from that class? That's what school is supposed to be about right? The end goal often dictates how we view the entire situation.

Too often, I've also been a minimalist in my spiritual life. I've been a minimalist with God. God, what's the least amount of work I can do in order to be saved and go to heaven? It's not about meeting the bare minimum. If you're in the line of thought, you've already gone wrong. Thinking about achieving the minimum is already wrong.

If you do not love God more than anything else, heaven will probably not be enjoyable for you. After all, heaven is enjoying God forever and ever. Will there be pie? Who cares? God is infinitely greater than any love for pie. And you think you're going to be happy "enjoying" him forever and ever if you're not absolutely in love with him? If you've only given the minimum effort?

Don't scrape by. God, you'll forgive that sin, right? He will but sinning while knowing that he'll forgive it is the wrong line of thought. Thinking that is already wrong. And I think this way too frequently.

Lord, transform this heart to be sold out for you. What I think of as radical should be more thought of as normal. Normal to those who love you. What is not normal is sin. Help me to hold onto what is good and flee from what is evil.

My Summer (Part 3)

Long story short. Everything stems from loving God. And you need to ask God for the grace to love him. That should be enough to try to figure out for a while.

Twas the last fortnight

I have been struggling for the last couple weeks to find out what was wrong with me. I went through my school life fairly normally. I laughed with my friends, I fought through homework with them, I served at KCM and and I served at church. Something was wrong though. I couldn't put my finger on it. I sprained my ankle a couple weeks ago so I haven't been to the gym since. I thought I could attribute my weird feelings to that. Maybe it was a fall depression, something unavoidable. I didn't know how to describe it or explain it so I tried to categorize it as some problem far away and very distant from the actual reality I was going through.

The truth is that I was trying to distance myself from a problem that stemmed directly from my unrepentant heart. It wasn't that it was some mildly obscure issue that I couldn't recognize, but it was something at work in me that was far greater than I could comprehend. The Holy Spirit was telling me that I'm lukewarm. No wonder my brain couldn't figure out what was wrong. God is bigger than I am. Right now he's saying to me..."Are you seeking me with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength?"

Mark 12:30

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

That's a command. A calling. Not an option. Thank you to Pastor David Tauler for revealing God's truth to me tonight.

I'm lukewarm because I got comfortable. I got comfortable being around other lukewarm Christians. I was comparing myself to them. Thinking, "it's okay to be doing this." "This is what this guy's doing and he's a good Christian."

I do not want to blame anyone. This is a result of my own sinful heart. But I do strongly believe that this has been a result of the interactions with Christians I know throughout the school year. I regret that I had not been a better influence on them. I understand so much that everyone is busy with school. It's easy to compartmentalize your life.

"God's called me to be a student." So true. Very true. God's called me to follow him first though. Jesus called his disciples while they were fishermen. They didn't make an excuse. God's called me to love him with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. That seems freaking impossible. You know why? Because I don't love God that much. But he can make a camel go through the eye of a needle. He can change me as well.

God is good and God is faithful. He has recused me so many times. So many times I've gone down the wrong path. He loves me and he's saved me. He works in a way I'll never understand. Praise him!

My Summer (Part 2)

So where I last off, I kind of realized that I had to live a holy life for God. Not only that, but God was changing me in drastic ways to be able to fulfill that command.

"The strength to follow your commands could never come from me" ~ All I Have Is Christ by Sovereign Grace

I lived my next week, feeling free from sin. In the mean time, I went to CBCM's bible study, REM's bible study, and REM's youth group. I was very involved with church to say the least and this was normal. I had resolved to "make use" of my time and do all these things (almost as an experiment to see if it would burn me out).

But at the end of the week, I felt like I hadn't served God at all. I had resolved to live a holy life but was instead merely living a moral one. I did the things that I felt were right in order to keep myself away from guilt and shame. I had gone to each of these church events this week, not seeking to make God's kingdom known, encourage the saints, or even worship him in general. I was going through the motions, going mainly to hang out.

Another change was in order. I needed to be purposeful for the kingdom of God. In fact, I often realized that when I was not purposeful, I often stumbled myself or others. If I'm not aware that the message on Sunday that's being preached is the word of God and I'm just...not thinking anything; it's much easier to doze off. If my sinful flesh would passively do evil and wrong, then I needed to fight actively with the power of the Spirit. I had to live a purposeful life for God.

My Summer (Part 1)

After school had let out, I fell deep into sin. For the next week, I lived in sexual immorality. It's not that I didn't think it was wrong but that I had perhaps surmised that this was one hurdle I would jump over later in life. That as of right now, I would never conquer it and could therefore put it off for later. Is that how I look at sin in general?

I even went to my church retreat not even thinking about this. Not even going in thinking, "I'm going to fix this here" or "God's going to fix this here". Not that that is the right mentality, but that just shows me how unconcerned I was about my sin. The first sermon ended and I was about to head to my small group, more concerned about meeting new people than what had been preached. But before I even left my seat, I was told that I had been switched out. I thank God that I was. My new small group leader's first sentence was "We have to beat sexual immorality. Let's band together to kill this thing."

I was floored and it really brought to light the sin that I was facing. It was the first installment encountering a love in my church that wasn't afraid to be intrusive, wasn't afraid to ask hard questions that seemed awkward, and wasn't prepared to assume anything just because you didn't share that you were struggling with something. But after that retreat, I'd be lying if I said I was changed. Even after being shown the truth and having a genuine brother reach out to me, my hard heart remained. I needed God himself to change me.

The turning point was my church's first men's meeting. It was a real men's meeting. Asaph and I were the only college guys. Once again, the talk was on sexual immorality. My pastor said "This isn't normal. Why do we think that this is normal?" I realized that almost every prayer group I've been in has had myself or another brother struggling with this sin. If I'm struggling with it and that guy is struggling with it and maybe even my small group leader is struggling with it...then I'll start to think it's normal. I know it's wrong but this must be something God addresses with me much later on.

It's not normal. After that meeting, God did a work in me. I've lost count of the number of weeks since I last fell. I wish I could tell other people how I overcame it but the truth is that I didn't. Christ overcame that and changed me with his love. I did nothing.

Stewardship

My small group leader brought up an interesting point a couple months back. Say you make 100,000 dollars. You buy a 35,000 dollar car and we think everything is fine. You can afford it. Say you make 30,000 dollars and you buy a 35,000 dollar car. We call that bad stewardship. What's the matter with you? Why would you buy a car that expensive?

What's really the difference between the two scenarios? Just that the guy who makes 100k can afford the car, so that makes it "okay" stewardship for him to buy it? We would tell the guy who made 30k, "What's the matter with you? Why would you do that?" Of course the decision doesn't affect the guy with 100k as negatively, but is this a good use of our money for God's purposes?

Don't say, " but there's nothing wrong with having nice things". That's one of the worst cliches hanging around in Christian circles. It's true. Don't get me wrong, it's true. But don't hide behind that sentence and use it as an excuse. How often do you say that and how often do you give God more than a 10% tithe, if that much? Don't we say that everything we have is actually God's? From our money to our spouse to our house to the food on our table to the clothes on our backs to the friends around us? Everything, every blessing is from him.

Matthew 25:14-30

"For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a] and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money. Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, 'Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.' And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, 'Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.' His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.' He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, 'Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.' But his master answered him, 'You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

James 1:17

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

This means that all we have is his originally, and we are merely stewards of the riches he has entrusted to us. Would you be a good steward of using these riches he gave you very extravagantly for your own pleasure? But it's only 35,000. Read that again. 35,000? Imagine the good that can be put to work for God's kingdom with 35,000. Do you need that new Lexus?

Being a good steward doesn't mean being stingy in general. So often, God calls us to give up EVERYTHING for him.

Luke 18:21-25
And he said, "All these I have kept from my youth." When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich. Jesus, seeing that he had become sad, said, "How difficult it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! 25For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God."

Luke 21:1-4
Jesus looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the offering box, 2and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. And he said, "Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

So how does being a good steward and giving EVERYTHING up for him coincide? You are only a good steward if you give up everything for your Lord. It's not yours. You'd be a bad steward to use your master's money as your own.

Are we trying to control our giving so we can spend more on ourselves? Or are we trying to control our spending on ourselves so we can give more generously to the church, to others, and to God's purposes.

I need to come to grips with this when I make real money.

Christianne Udoh from Nigeria

I left from Dulles at 7:07 on my way to Frankfort. I was thankful for an aisle seat as I knew I'd be getting up frequently to use the lavatory (lava laboratory?) many times during the flight. I quickly retrieved my copy of "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan from my draw string bag. I couldn't wait to dive right back in after my hour of waiting at my terminal. However, the woman next to me started to strike up a conversation. She asked me where I was going. I said, "Prague", but she stared back with a confused expression, so I said "Frankfort" after a short, awkward pause. Well, of course she understood that. We were both on the same flight.

She told me that she was going back to Nigeria. I pretended to be interested and then went back to my book. Then God told me, "You're going to have the entire trip to read that book. Can't you talk to that woman for ten minutes? What if she needs to hear the Gospel?" I'm like..."Aight, God." Lol. So I put my book away. I ask her why she was staying in the U.S. She was there to visit family and go to her sister's wedding. She's one of six sisters. She has four kids. One graduated from a school in Malaysia. Another is just starting in Alabama.

Then she asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. She asked me how I became one and I told her my two sentence testimony. She asked me if I felt like I had been changed. I said, over time by the grace of God. It was a very interesting conversation. I couldn't help but notice a difference in how we spoke about our faith. Perhaps it was her lack of understanding of more complex English. Maybe it was because we focused on different things. I always felt more "intellectual". I was trying to address things like sanctification (although I never used that word), but she only spoke of who God is and how important it is to have faith in him. She asked me for my bible and opened up to John 3. I asked her what her favorite verse was. She answered, John 3:5

"Jesus answered, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.""

Towards the end of the flight, she lent me a book she had with her for the remainder of our time in the air. It was called, "The Fourth Dimension". Odd title, I thought. The fourth dimension is time, but aightttt. The guy began with a story of how he thought we needed to pray for very specific things. How prayer wasn't answered because our prayers were too vague. He gave an example of how he prayed for a desk, chair, and bike for six months because he was living in extreme poverty as a preacher in Korea. He then heard a voice from God, telling him to be specific. So he prayed for a very specific kind of desk, chair, and bike. He then went to his congregation and told him that God had delivered those things to him. They were amazed. They wanted to see these things. And he was terrified, because he didn't have any of them. They went to his place, where there was obviously nothing there, and he told them that God was growing them inside his faith.

Now...this kind of sounded like heresy to me. Not going to lie. I asked Christianne about praying specifically. She kind of brushed that off and focused on our need to have faith in praying to God. Her faith seemed very simple and very focused on God. I felt silly for trying to focus on the intellectual side of my faith.

Luke 18:15-17

"Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.""

Suffering for Christ

It's nothing new. I've heard preacher after preacher tell me that the American church is not suffering for Christ. That I'm not suffering for Christ. And they're right.

Phil 1:29
For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake

It's true that I'm not suffering, I'm not persecuted in America. But what am I supposed to do? Move? Leave America for a place more hostile like Saudi Arabia? Perhaps I will never suffer in this manner. Maybe I'll never have to run for my life because of a professed faith in Jesus Christ. Maybe I will. But telling me that I'm not suffering for Christ in that way at this moment is not helpful.

Perhaps there's a different way to suffer for Christ.

Phil 2:3
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

How about holding others more significant than myself? Even in an argument. Even when I've been wronged. Even when I'm blameless and hurt. This is how Christ suffered for us.

God Is Speaking

Maybe we don't read the Bible because we don't believe that God is talking to us through it. We may believe that the Bible is full of wisdom. That the Bible tells us about Jesus and about God. These are all great, but maybe we also believe that the Bible is static.

We don't think that it has the counsel to comfort us, to advise us when things come up in life. We ask friends and family and pastors for help because we know that we can get their opinion on very specific problems and scenarios. Their opinions are dynamic, constantly being shaped by what God is showing them. Surely, what has been for two thousand years cannot possibly come to give as specific, fruitful counsel as the words we get after explaining our specific situations.

I urge my soul to reconsider this thought. I urge my soul to consider that God knows everything already. God knows more than what I explained in my situation to my friend. God knows more than what I perceive with my own heart. His Word is the best advice I'm looking for.

The Gospel in the Old Testament

In the Old Testament, God is often looked as an angry god. He doesn't seem like he loves us very much. He is fed up with humanity's errors and would like to exact some righteous punishment upon sinners. Not to say that this is entirely untrue (as God does possess some righteous anger, Rom 1:18), but it's often hard to take in when also considering how God seems in the New Testament. God is often portrayed as Love, especially through the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, an atoning sacrifice for the sins of man kind (John 2:2). Jesus also alludes to the Old Testament quite frequently, giving the impression that the OT and the NT are telling the same story. And in fact, the idea that God is not love in the Old Testament is very shallow.

If we look at Jacob, whose name means deceiver, we'll see a life full of wickedness. Yet, God showed favor to him. Jacob is able to underhandedly gain the birth right of the firstborn from Esau (Genesis 25:31) and even lies to his father, Isaac to gain his blessing from God (which was also meant for Esau, Genesis 27:19). Jacob deceived and lied. He sins before God in his disregard for his brother and selfishness (for himself, 1 John 2:9). But God still shows favor to him. In fact, God renames Jacob to "Israel" (Genesis 35:10). Israel is the chosen race of God (Jews in the OT), his people who are set apart, whom he blesses and embraces.

And this is the exact picture that's painted in the NT. God loves sinners, so much that he killed his Son so that they could be reborn into his family once again (John 3:16). Jacob is a sinner and deceiver, but God loves him. He's able to take this sinner and give him a new identity. No longer Jacob, but Israel. No longer a sinner but a son of God, made righteous by faith. In fact, God's love for sinners is all over OT. Even though Adam and Eve screwed up, God still cares for them (Genesis 3:21). When you see how often these guys screw up, and how often God still shows them favor and blesses them, how can you not see the gospel of Jesus Christ? He loved us when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8)!

Red Light, Green Light

I need to STOP caring about what other people think of me and START caring about what God thinks of me.

Prayers: Sharing vs Slandering

Recently, my apartment mates and I have started meeting up three times a week to pray for one another and keep accountability. It's been a huge blessing. I'm not going to go as far to say that whoever is not doing this is wrong, but I really didn't know what I was missing out on and I'd never go back. In fact, the Lord says something very encouraging on this:

Matthew 18:19-20

“Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

God has already answered our prayers and it's been great to grow closer to my room mates. However, as my title explains, I've been convicted about a different topic of prayer. I'm not saying the prayer meetings in my room consist of these things (at least to my knowledge), but it's something God has revealed in myself and others in past experiences.

What is prayer exactly? I'm not a theologian or bible scholar, but I think prayer is mostly dialogue with God. One particular prayer I'm thinking about is:

Matthew 26:39

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."

I think most of my prayers consist of first, acknowledging that God is God, something I still don't do enough of and can easily forget about. Secondly, formally telling God what is on my and what I would like to see in accordance with his will. And lastly, acknowledging that God is God and asking that his will be done over mine. Those are my more private prayers, at least.

What do I do when I'm with my friends? I do a lot more story telling. My friends don't know about me like God knows about me. I have to explain a lot of background to them and things are always told from my perspective. Sure, my prayer might be like, "I need prayer for this class. I'm struggling really hard but it's not going anywhere." But in the background story I talked about how much my professor sucked, how my TA needs to learn english and how my group members are stupid.

This is slander. My real prayer should have been in repentance to God for my callous heart and most likely laziness that led to my bad grades, asking for transformation only the Spirit can give.

And what's worse is that my friends probably don't think anything is wrong. They've hated a professor before and been frustrated with a TA or some nonchalant group members. They know where I'm coming from and they justify their sin with mine and I with theirs'. If anything, we should be praying for this professor, this TA, or these group members. Jesus tells us to pray for your enemies (not that they're actually your enemies or anything).

God will give us everything we ask in Jesus Christ's name. These are things of love and forgiveness, not hatred. "Father in heaven, let me forgive my professor, forgive my TA, and forgive my group members. Heal the anger in my heart because, like the wicked servant, I am still so hateful in light of how much I've been forgiven. Make my heart into one that is like your Son's, filled with a love that covers a multitude of sins. Amen"

Easter Testimony

I was baptized last week so my testimony is still very fresh in my mind. Unfortunately, I don't think my story is very entertaining. I don't have many huge moments where God showed me everything in an epic moment, but rather God has tended to enlighten me gradually through my daily walk. I am going to write this from scratch so it won't be too organized, but I'd rather it be this way than sound like an essay.

So it all started with my first girlfriend. Just a quick background: my entire teenage years were devoted to girls. I wanted to take French class just because I thought there would be more girls than Spanish classes. I switched from violin to double bass in orchestra because I realized there were many violin players...only one bassist. It'd be easier for a girl to notice me. And you laugh...but it actually worked! I "initiated" my first girlfriend in December of eighth grade and it lasted until my February of freshman year. I remember. I had the date in my AIM profile.

This girl was my world. I talked to her constantly. I thought about her constantly. I'd visit her constantly. I walked two miles one way to see her. I'd envision what we would do years and years from now. Every holiday was an excuse to celebrate her. Quite literally...the object of my worship. But then...someone gave her a gift for Christmas. I was very, very jealous for her. It wasn't just that she got a gift from someone, but that she had even told me that this guy had confessed his affections to her before. And she accepted his gift. I wasn't very happy. My jealousy eventually pushed her away and she broke up with me.

I was a wreck for a couple months. My friends would tell me that I was a zombie. I never talked to anyone in school. I just wanted everyone to see my pain, how badly this was affecting me. There was a huge hole where there used to be an overflow of attention for me and I wanted to repair it so badly. I would go home and run blunt knives across my arms. I wanted to kill myself but I was too scared to die. I asked everyone for help, my friends, my enemies, her new boyfriend, and even my parents. Nothing worked.

However, my friend, Sam, asked me to go to church with him one day. I had no idea about what church was like so I went. They sang songs and I liked singing. Enough by Christ Tomlin was a song we often sang and each time, I related it back to my ex-girlfriend. I was still stuck. But something kept me there. There was wisdom in what was being preached. And I liked singing songs. So I kept going and I kept going. Eventually, I attended the summer youth retreat where the guest speaker asked us..."If you want to be saved, ask Jesus to come into your life". And I did that. I knew I was broken and had to be fixed. God didn't need to me to be the best because he knew I was the worst. And I knew I was the worst. And God healed me of my anguish. But at the time, I really didn't know what I was getting into.

I think I lived with a kind of moralism for most of my high school years. I was big on forgiving people because I had been forgiven. No drugs, no alcohol. You weren't supposed to steal. When I got challenged to a fight, I made up my mind to just show and let the guy hit me until he was satisfied. I'd be like Jesus then, right? Suffering for an enemy. But I still had a lot of pride. I wore my arrogance around like a badge of honor. The confidence I exuded made a lot of people respect me. And I was after the respect and admiration...of girls. Still after girls.

I got good at manipulating people. I would purposely not respond to texts or IMs or give the cold shoulder. I played a lot of mind games. But to me, I was always the good guy. I still had my share of heart break and betrayal. And I did my share of my breaking hearts and betraying others' trust. I remember a point in time during my senior year when things were at their worst and I prayed to God to take it away from me. Whatever hold I had over girls...I didn't want it anymore.

I was still a sinner. Moralism was failing and I couldn't do it on my own. But by the grace of God, he was still working through scum like me. Some of my friends were coming to know God through our interactions. Granted, it was me arguing harshly with them, it was me pushing a truth that I didn't even understand onto them, but God was working nonetheless.

Looking back, I don't think I had very much guidance. No one reached out to me too much and in the same way, I didn't think of the church as my home. I would usually go for the message and leave shortly afterward. Sometimes it was because not many people talked to me, sometimes it was because I didn't want to talk to anyone. By the middle of my freshman year in college, I had left altogether. I drifted for a while, dissatisfied with how my life was going. God was humbling me. I wasn't doing very well in school, I wasn't finding any cute girls to like.

Some time in between all this, my friend, Henrik, invited me to a bible study for KCM. I was floored right away. These people actually seemed like they cared about me! And they were smart! I kept going to KCM and during the next semester, I started learning theology with many of them. One week, we were going over the characteristics of salvation. There were seven, none of which I specifically remember. But at the time, I realized I didn't have any of them. So I prayed. And I prayed over those seven things for a month. When I came out of it, I've experienced this lasting transformation that has lasted to this day. I've been far from perfect. I'm still a sinner but God can love sinners. He killed his Son for sinners. I was talking to a Muslim this week, and I explained...this is why we believe the Gospel! Where have you found love more compelling, more offensive, more invasive? Praise God for crushing the Son of Man for our sake. All glory belongs to him alone.

The Will of God

I've been consciously aware that I've been living the past six months of my Christian life with an eye and an ear towards God. I've been living with the intention of trying to discern God's will in real time, as he saw fit to give it to me. My thesis was that because we can usually see what God was doing in our lives in hind sight, there is a level of logic to his will that we can understand. If there is a level of logic to his will that we can understand, perhaps it is not too far fetched to understand his will in the present reality, perhaps in every thing we do. This line of thought was incredibly arrogant and misguided.

Now, I don't mean to say that none of his will is discernible or understandable to us. God has given us the Bible, part of his will that is readily available. However, a large part of his will is hidden and while we may be to able to partly discern that will, much of it will remain a mystery to us in the present time. In the way I lived my life, I severely underestimated the grace of God in revealing how he was working in my life after the fact.

In one aspect, we are seriously limited by our purview. We do not see how God is working because we can't see the big picture and therefore just cannot fathom what God is doing. In another aspect, he does things that transcend our understanding, like sending a righteous Son to die for unrighteous sinners. Again, we can't fathom what God is doing.

In short, it's not possible to completely know the will of God. So how do I live? How do I know if God is telling me something and what exactly is God telling me? Is there anything I can even do if God's will is absolute and he has ordained everything from before the beginning of time?

We can surrender to that will. Logically, that is about the only thing we can do if God's will is absolute. None of this trying to interpret stuff. None of that is important. Instead, I can surrender my life as a living sacrifice and maintain faith given by the Holy Spirit in the promises of God.

This one is particularly relevant to me right now: What is God trying to tell me I get along really well with a girl? I have no clue and I shouldn't pretend to know! There's the possibility that God has introduced her into my life so that we get married later. Sure. There's also the possibility that I'm merely supposed to be a vessel through which God can exhort and encourage her, that I am growing closer to her so I can protect her as a brother. There are many more possibilities and I have no idea which one is the "will of God". All I can do is surrender and have faith in the promises he has given me.

Promise. Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Thanks be to Brian Chen for illuminating this to me.

Exploring The Idea of Marriage

I'm not going to lie. Relationships and marriage seem to be concerning me a lot more lately, most likely because I think they're more relevant to me now as I'm in my final half of my undergraduate college career. I've been asking my peers on their views and I've gotten a pretty general answer every time: "I really don't know".

There are a lot of views out there but none of us really have anything formulated. I'm going to lay out an idea sparked by Kevin DeYoung's blog a few days ago. He was briefly listing a few things he learned from John Calvin's biography. It says:

"13. Some traditions must change. “He argued for the freedom of the marriage contract and mutual consent of man and woman, a fundamental point he continually defended in his sermons. Consensual engagements were essential; children were not to be forced into unions by their parents” (295)."

Now, DeYoung's point is not focusing on marriage, but that traditions must change. Marriage was merely the tradition that Calvin argued should change. However, Calvin's thoughts made me think about how my peers and I are thinking about marriage. Ever since Pastor Robert's sermon at KCM, the words "contractual agreement" have been ringing in the ears of most guys at our fellowship. The emphasis has been on continual commitment to the relationship/marriage even when "love" dies down between either or both parties. The biggest role model we have for this policy is of course, God's covenant with us. We see this a lot in Genesis, God's covenant with Adam and Exodus with his covenant to the Jewish people. In the end, we see the truest fulfillment of his covenant with man, including the Gentiles, through his Son, Jesus Christ.

So once we're in a marriage/whatever...we need to commit. There are usually no arguments there. It idealizes the love that God has for us, so why would anyone disagree? However, I feel like there is a danger of thinking about it...as just a covenant. Just a contractual agreement. That little bit from Calvin's biography really made me think about how we approach relationships. I've talked with some guys about whether they think a "click" or a "spark" is necessary for a relationship. The answer is always no. There is still in my mind, no. But some used evidence like parents who had arranged marriages that worked out really well, etc. Here, Calvin is taking an opposing stance. Is Calvin wrong?

I'm tempted to say no just because he's John Calvin. I haven't read his biography so I don't know why exactly he pushed this point but I can think of God's love for us as an example of this. Does God love us because he made a covenant with us? Or does his love for us entail the covenant? Which one causes the other? 1 John 3 will tell us that God IS love. While having commitment in the relationship, I don't think we should be so quick to dismiss love. If you have love, the commitment should naturally follow right? Perhaps the reverse is not necessarily true.

"I'm Giving Up Lent for Lent"

Lent is originally a Catholic tradition, part of the Liturgical Church year that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Wednesday, that calls practitioners to emulate the forty day fast Jesus Christ by giving up "something" for forty days as well. To my knowledge, most practitioners do not choose to give up food altogether like Jesus did, but they usually want to give up some part of their life that will cause them at least mild discomfort. I think the main idea is to show that we are in need of God more than we are in need of these other things in our lives that sometimes fill up our time.

However, despite its seemingly "good" nature, lent seems to be brushed aside or looked down upon in some circles. Many mock it as the "Christian New Years Resolutions" or give the catchy tag-line that I titled this entry. They argue that many use lent as an excuse to give up something temporarily for God as many practitioners often "break" lent at the first available opportunity and continue to indulge in whatever vice they sacrificed and continue with their normal lives. This kind of demonstration almost seems legalistic in that you will somehow appease God and make him happy by giving up something for that period of time, giving you some leeway to engross yourself in it for the other 325 days. Another argument against lent is that many feel like it is an excuse to wait until these specific days to give up something for God, when we should be constantly examining ourselves and cutting off vices that we/other see hindering us from worship of the Lord.

These arguments are good arguments. Christianity is not a legalistic religion. Just DOING something will never secure one's salvation. Instead, we are only saved by God's sovereignty and grace, being transformed by the love of Jesus Christ and allowing us to have faith in the promise of freedom from sin and the future glory we will possess for eternity in heaven with God.

Thus, despite the naysayers, I am participating in lent this year. There is nothing inherently wrong with lent. In fact, it is "Christians" or even Christians who pervert (make something wrong of) a perfectly fine practice. Why not give up something for God? There is nothing wrong in that. Let's not be legalistic in lent on either side of the issue. You can choose to participate or not participate and if you glorify God with your choice, that seems like enough. I pray that I will not fall into any of the pitfalls I mentioned earlier and if I do, I pray that God would lead me to see my sin and lead me towards him once again.

One In Love

This is an entry about the OIL conference in review. I don't believe that I learned much in terms of pure knowledge or had any of my doctrines radically changed, but I do believe that I had my heart changed in many areas that were in need of reformation.

First of all, my views on praise were changed drastically. Being at KCM amd being bombarded by ideals of Christ-centeredness on a daily basis are definitely a blessing, yet in my sin and pride I was able to distort those ideas. When looking on every praise song we sang at the conference, my eyes were very critical, always questioning the credibility of the praise around me, asking for more "Jesus" in every line of each song we sang. I was greatly discouraged after the second morning worship but found solace in the fact that at least my peers felt the same way. As evening worship rolled around, I was looking for any familiar song to which I could praise the name of Jesus with and was also being let down in such a way that I felt like leaving for home right then and there. However, that's when I saw title Reign In Us by Starfield on the overhead projector. I rejoiced in my heart. Hallelujah, I get to praise God now! I sang the first verse and pre-chorus and chorus very contently. "Yes, Mighty One, you reign in us!" But then it occurred to me to start reading the lyrics a little more closely. To my astonishment, I found very little hints of the explicit Gospel except for the name "Lord Jesus" in the pre-chorus in a song that I really liked and would recommend to anyone. Then conviction hit me and made me aware of my pride and judgment this group of believers. The mere unfamiliarity of these songs had hindered me from worship of the true God who sent his only Son to die on the cross, taking the wrath that was meant for me, but then rising again to give me hope to join him in heaven. I looked on each song afterward with new eyes. After conferring with Henrik, he exclaimed, "Yeah the songs looked different for some reason!" I can only surmise that it was the Holy Spirit's intercession, opening our eyes to our pride but then pointing us to true worship of Jesus Christ, our savior.

Secondly, a peculiar thing happened before this enormous revelation I received on the second night. Though I did not particularly like any of the songs that we were singing during worship, I admitted that there was nothing fundamentally flawed with them that conflicted with my doctrine. You could in fact praise God with these songs if you were in the correct heart of worship, whatever that means. So when I decided that I would simply not sing a song because I deemed it "unworthy" of my praise to God, I would sit down in my chair and pray. I prayed to God that each person in the room would have the correct heart of worship to praise God with what I found out later were a plethora of Hillsong and Chris Tomlin songs. And then it hit me, once again, or rather, once before. I was actually praying for people. God was working in me, despite my pride of criticizing the song selection, to give me a heart for others, truly concerned about their worship towards God. It has been my biggest prayer since the end of the conference that I would not lose this incredible gift of prayer that God was gracious enough to bless me with. In fact, that same second night of worship ended in a time of prayer. I prayed for a certain amount of time with my eyes closed and when I opened them, I saw Willis walking around. He asked me if I wanted to pray together and then followed with, "What time is it? Eleven?" It was midnight. I don't know how long we had been praying for but it was incredible!

My last face-pwnage came during the last message giving by none other than Dr. Carson, preaching on the parable of the talents (Luke 19:11-7). Now, I was very excited for this message, having undergone two huge mind-crushes already (and praying to God that they would be genuine transformations), but this was actually a parable that I had questions about and wasn't able to interpret any satisfactory meaning on my own. I do not have the faculties to summarize Carson's message point by point and deliver every blow of truth that Carson preached from the Word of God that morning, but the biggest thing that broke my jaw in half was the emphasis on God's kingdom in the eternal sense. For the last year, I had been driving myself with 1 Cor 13 and its whole emphasis on love which 1 John 3 confirms. However, I had been wrapped up with love in the worldly sense. In a "Ghandi" sense if you will. Being a nice guy a good role model (point towards Christ), and in fact, I wanted to turn my evangelism towards something that agreed more with this. I felt that cold evangelism was ineffective and thought I might do something else that would catch people's eyes in a different way. Going off of Matt 5:14-16, I would do something like give umbrellas out when it was raining and have little Christian notes attached or something. But this is such a round-a-bout method. Instead of giving them an umbrella, why not give them Christ? Instead of working so hard to make myself into the image of Christ to point them to Christ (not that this is bad in itself), why not just give them Christ? I did not save them but Jesus Christ did. I now discovered why it was so hard to give up my life to God and that was because I was not living my life with the idea of furthering his assets, which is exactly the ideology of the last servant whom the master condemns in the parable.

So that's it. I will be attending next year. It was pretty awesome.