Trials and misfortunes are easily one of the most controversial evidences of God's existence in my mind. "If God was so great, why couldn't His plan have been for me to get everything I wanted and be happy and still live in His word? Couldn't the Almighty have some say in doing that?" I don't think many of us would say that out loud anymore but perhaps a thought passes by in our minds when we just can't fathom what possible good could come out of getting a speeding ticket or failing a class in school.
It's at times like those where it seems that God's will is against us. We know we're tiny creatures that can't see what's going to happen down the road. We accept it. But I can't help but feel a little sad and angry over narrowly missing out on an A because of some dumb mistake I made on a test. What good could it possibly have done me to get a B? What good could it possibly have done me to get in that car accident? Now my GPA will be lower and it'll be harder for me to stand out and get a job. Now I'll have to bother my parents with car insurance issues. I'll try to reconcile myself and say, "Well maybe God wants me to work in this one place that I'd normally pass over if my GPA was higher." "Maybe God knew I was going to get in a fatal accident soon so He put me in a small one so I would be more careful from now on."
I try my best to believe in these possibilities yet I know I don't fully. I'm still full of sadness and anger. And though these seem like huge issues to me now, there are huge life events I haven't even been through. I wonder what I would think if my (potential) wife wanted to get a divorce from me in the future. "Why, God? What good could possibly come from this?" At the moment, I can't think of something I could reconcile myself with in that situation. It seems utterly hopeless to me.
I bring up this example because my parents are getting/got divorced. I don't really know the exact situation right now but they don't live together and don't talk with each other. I've talked with them about most of my love interests so I know what they think about the whole thing. And the real truth is that they were just like me when they were younger. The whole emphasis we feel on getting married and living happily ever after was present in their generation as well. How did it feel for them to get a divorce? How did they reconcile it in their minds?
I imagine it was difficult, especially because neither of them are Christians. But perhaps that was why. Because my parents are separated and I live with my father (because he lives in the house that's close to my friends), my mother often calls me to get lunch or dinner with me. And we talk about whatever's going on. She tells me now and again about how mature I've grown to be and that it's almost like talking to a peer these days. Then a couple of weeks ago, I shared the Gospel with her for the first time. And the awesome thing was that she listened. Afterward, she took me back home and I gave her my old Bible to start reading.
To me, even though she is my mother and constantly informs me of how much she loves me, I don't think she would have appreciated me as much if not for her divorce from my father. We would talk but not to the point where she was desperate to know what was going on in my life. I think it's safe to say that she would've taken me more for granted if we were still living together. So in a way, the divorce is what caused her to get to know me more and become more open to my thoughts. In that way, I was able to share the gospel with her.
God took one of the saddest tragedies and worked for His glory despite the trespass of divorce. I've always remembered the metaphor CS Lewis made when describing God's will through trials. Imagine a baby who is comfortable in his/her mother's womb. The baby is doing well, probably even happy that he grew a new finger the other day when all of a sudden, something tries to push him out. He must be frightened, futilely attempting to confine himself to the womb. Perhaps he can feel the cold outside and desperately wants to stay where he is. To him, this is death or something that threatens his way of life. However, the baby is unaware that if he doesn't leave the womb, he'll die. If he continues to lavish in his comfort in the womb, he won't survive (us). It's only through the knowledge and effort of the mother and doctor (God) trying to release him from his prison that he'll continue to live on.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Christianity 101
One of the more difficult things I deal with in the Christian life is waking up on Sundays for church. Honestly, this is just a matter of laziness and discipline with going to bed earlier on Saturday nights, but I still struggle with it. It hasn't been built into me that I need to go to church on Sunday morning because I don't live in a Christian family. Thus, the church that I claim to have to gone to my entire Christian life, probably does not lay the same claim on me as an attendant.
However, I did decide to go to my church retreat this winter. The theme was Christianity 101, perhaps an appropriate theme for my entry as well. When I saw those words, I was disappointed inside. I like for church messages to be meaningful and let me look at things in a light I had not found before. I usually don't like to waste time with something I've heard already. Gazing upon "Christianity 101" sunk my heart into my stomach because I would have no choice but to endure whatever mundane message was conjured up.
The retreat ended up being insanely insightful though. One of the main things I came away with was how to interpret the Bible. Now, I know I'm one of the few who haven't been going to church their entire lives, but even so, I've gotten acquainted with church culture very intimately. One of the most basic things I can think of is to read the Bible and then discern what it teaches us. Sam Ock once said to me that reading scripture was like food for your Holy Spirit. If you feed it, it'll become stronger and can be more active in your life, ie. help you resist temptation, be more like Christ, etc etc. But if you starve it, obviously it'll be weak and you'll probably fall much more often. This is why reading the Bible is so important. I'd like to think that I was reassured of that fact last semester and would often see my life improving after reading the night before.
The strange truth is that I was not completely right in reading the Bible this way. We often look to the Bible to give us wisdom, to tell us what to do, and to make us better Christians. There is nothing wrong with this, but this is not the most important aspect of the Bible. If you can recall one of my previous entries, I referred to Jesus' declaration that the Pharisees were blind. This was because they knew the Old Testament forwards and backwards yet they didn't realize that it all pointed to Him, the Messiah and Christ. The Bible must mean the same to us. It's not something I should use to make my life better. It will of course do that but that's not it's function. The function of the Bible is to tell about Jesus Christ. And if an object ceases to complete its function, it's either faulty or I'm using it incorrectly.
Now of course we see what the Bible says about Jesus in the New Testament. There's no doubt about that. The whole thing is about Him and we see His name everywhere in it. It' gets more ambiguous when you turn to the Old Testament. Everyone remembers the story of Noah's Ark. I didn't even go to church when I was younger and I know that Noah his family and all the animals of the Earth onto his ark when the flood came. Something you can get out of this is that God has a huge amount of wrath. He flooded the Earth, and also promised that He wouldn't ever do it again. Yet it's harder to see how this points to Jesus (or at least it was for me). Pastor Hank (the speaker) told us that this is God given evidence that a single man can save all of mankind, much like Jesus did.
From here on out, it becomes much easier to analyze passages with this in mind. The story of Jacob and Esau is about two brothers, where one betrays the other in an insanely bad way but he forgives his brother and embraces him when the two meet again. I remember I wrote a xanga entry about this when I first read it because I found it so moving. Esau At the time, I thought about how I should use this example and forgive those around me. Yet, this also shows what kind of forgiveness Jesus showed, that He loved and died and forgave the people who hated Him.
I never know how to conclude these entries.
However, I did decide to go to my church retreat this winter. The theme was Christianity 101, perhaps an appropriate theme for my entry as well. When I saw those words, I was disappointed inside. I like for church messages to be meaningful and let me look at things in a light I had not found before. I usually don't like to waste time with something I've heard already. Gazing upon "Christianity 101" sunk my heart into my stomach because I would have no choice but to endure whatever mundane message was conjured up.
The retreat ended up being insanely insightful though. One of the main things I came away with was how to interpret the Bible. Now, I know I'm one of the few who haven't been going to church their entire lives, but even so, I've gotten acquainted with church culture very intimately. One of the most basic things I can think of is to read the Bible and then discern what it teaches us. Sam Ock once said to me that reading scripture was like food for your Holy Spirit. If you feed it, it'll become stronger and can be more active in your life, ie. help you resist temptation, be more like Christ, etc etc. But if you starve it, obviously it'll be weak and you'll probably fall much more often. This is why reading the Bible is so important. I'd like to think that I was reassured of that fact last semester and would often see my life improving after reading the night before.
The strange truth is that I was not completely right in reading the Bible this way. We often look to the Bible to give us wisdom, to tell us what to do, and to make us better Christians. There is nothing wrong with this, but this is not the most important aspect of the Bible. If you can recall one of my previous entries, I referred to Jesus' declaration that the Pharisees were blind. This was because they knew the Old Testament forwards and backwards yet they didn't realize that it all pointed to Him, the Messiah and Christ. The Bible must mean the same to us. It's not something I should use to make my life better. It will of course do that but that's not it's function. The function of the Bible is to tell about Jesus Christ. And if an object ceases to complete its function, it's either faulty or I'm using it incorrectly.
Now of course we see what the Bible says about Jesus in the New Testament. There's no doubt about that. The whole thing is about Him and we see His name everywhere in it. It' gets more ambiguous when you turn to the Old Testament. Everyone remembers the story of Noah's Ark. I didn't even go to church when I was younger and I know that Noah his family and all the animals of the Earth onto his ark when the flood came. Something you can get out of this is that God has a huge amount of wrath. He flooded the Earth, and also promised that He wouldn't ever do it again. Yet it's harder to see how this points to Jesus (or at least it was for me). Pastor Hank (the speaker) told us that this is God given evidence that a single man can save all of mankind, much like Jesus did.
From here on out, it becomes much easier to analyze passages with this in mind. The story of Jacob and Esau is about two brothers, where one betrays the other in an insanely bad way but he forgives his brother and embraces him when the two meet again. I remember I wrote a xanga entry about this when I first read it because I found it so moving. Esau At the time, I thought about how I should use this example and forgive those around me. Yet, this also shows what kind of forgiveness Jesus showed, that He loved and died and forgave the people who hated Him.
I never know how to conclude these entries.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
He Won't Let me!
I think one of the most encouraging evidences you can put towards your salvation is God's continual pwnage of your stupidity. And by stupidity I mean sin/sinful plans/plans in general that He don't care about! One of the facets of salvation is your adoption into God's family. What Father would let His children do wrong and continually just be a nuisance? Of course He would punish and admonish the little brats for being huge pains. They might hate Him for it, but He'd do it despite this and the knowledge of this because He is a good Father.
For most of my entire conscious life, I've been really set on getting a girlfriend. I'm not saying I've never had one, but during those times when I didn't I was completely preoccupied with getting another one. I don't think I was desperate at all, but I would continually wait for someone who I thought was good enough in my mind and pursue them. Sometimes I'd do this even when I did have a girlfriend already as well.... In any case, it's no different now that I'm in college. I haven't been tied down by a member of the opposite sex in a while and it's really gotten to me.
However, this past semester I met who I thought was the most perfect girl I'd met so far. It's too bad that she has a boyfriend but that never stopped me. Seriously, it didn't stop me. I pursued the heck out of her. And I loved every second of it. I could totally be myself around her. I made her laugh, I showed her how fun college could be. The deal sealers were that she's super cute and she was Christian. She was the first Christian girl I was attracted to, actually. She even made me a better Christian. I continually prayed about her, just asking God to either give her to me or take her away. The fact that she had a boyfriend always loomed in my head but I thought I was making a superb case for myself. I cheered her up when she was down and stayed up with her for longs hours doing nothing in particular but having a blast anyways. I thought, "Man, she's special".
And because she was so special, I couldn't be with her. As I've mentioned, she has a boyfriend (who's not me now by the way). It may not sound like much in text, but I've rarely seen someone actually stay faithful to their significant other in the face of even a possibility of happiness elsewhere. I really tried to look into this to see what God was telling me and I couldn't figure it out. Probably that I shouldn't go for girls who didn't have boyfriends. But I've been around the block a couple times. Of course I was down but my heart's been beat into a pulp already so I recovered quickly. Just last week, some old feelings started reviving for one of my best friends. I liked her a couple of years back and things just felt so right with her again. I started to think about maybe becoming more than what we were but of course, she knew what I was thinking. She told me she'd never see me as more than a friend.
Now of course, I'm at my wit's end. I've been trying so hard to return to a relationship where I can just rely on someone else and fall into their arms, yet I haven't been able to. And it's because God won't let me. It's not because it's a sin to have a girlfriend, but because He doesn't want me to. During all this, I've been struggling to do as well as I want to in school and I always thought that if I had the whole girlfriend situation out of the way, I could focus more. Yeah, dumb I know. When I was spending time with girl #1 during the semester, I spent the majority of my day with them. Now I realize that I'd get absolutely nothing done if I had a significant other.
Thank God that You control my life and I do not.
For most of my entire conscious life, I've been really set on getting a girlfriend. I'm not saying I've never had one, but during those times when I didn't I was completely preoccupied with getting another one. I don't think I was desperate at all, but I would continually wait for someone who I thought was good enough in my mind and pursue them. Sometimes I'd do this even when I did have a girlfriend already as well.... In any case, it's no different now that I'm in college. I haven't been tied down by a member of the opposite sex in a while and it's really gotten to me.
However, this past semester I met who I thought was the most perfect girl I'd met so far. It's too bad that she has a boyfriend but that never stopped me. Seriously, it didn't stop me. I pursued the heck out of her. And I loved every second of it. I could totally be myself around her. I made her laugh, I showed her how fun college could be. The deal sealers were that she's super cute and she was Christian. She was the first Christian girl I was attracted to, actually. She even made me a better Christian. I continually prayed about her, just asking God to either give her to me or take her away. The fact that she had a boyfriend always loomed in my head but I thought I was making a superb case for myself. I cheered her up when she was down and stayed up with her for longs hours doing nothing in particular but having a blast anyways. I thought, "Man, she's special".
And because she was so special, I couldn't be with her. As I've mentioned, she has a boyfriend (who's not me now by the way). It may not sound like much in text, but I've rarely seen someone actually stay faithful to their significant other in the face of even a possibility of happiness elsewhere. I really tried to look into this to see what God was telling me and I couldn't figure it out. Probably that I shouldn't go for girls who didn't have boyfriends. But I've been around the block a couple times. Of course I was down but my heart's been beat into a pulp already so I recovered quickly. Just last week, some old feelings started reviving for one of my best friends. I liked her a couple of years back and things just felt so right with her again. I started to think about maybe becoming more than what we were but of course, she knew what I was thinking. She told me she'd never see me as more than a friend.
Now of course, I'm at my wit's end. I've been trying so hard to return to a relationship where I can just rely on someone else and fall into their arms, yet I haven't been able to. And it's because God won't let me. It's not because it's a sin to have a girlfriend, but because He doesn't want me to. During all this, I've been struggling to do as well as I want to in school and I always thought that if I had the whole girlfriend situation out of the way, I could focus more. Yeah, dumb I know. When I was spending time with girl #1 during the semester, I spent the majority of my day with them. Now I realize that I'd get absolutely nothing done if I had a significant other.
Thank God that You control my life and I do not.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
To be Truly Blind
I closed my eyes before I smothered my face with the body wash in my shower. The bottle said Oil Control + Body Wash, so I assumed it was meant to advertise some kind of acne control. I tried it and I think it works for the most part. Normally, I don't wash my face with body wash. I guess it's because I wasn't raised to do so and it never really hurt me before; and it was still drowned in the intense water pressure so dirt never stuck. However, I could have gotten soap into my eyes and that would've been uncomfortable.
I do wash my face with this body wash though. And as I covered my face, I closed my eyes to prevent the soap from stinging my senses. There are a few brief moments when I have momentarily chosen to not see anything. Everything is dark to me. I can still hear the water running, bouncing off my skin as who knows what miles per hour. After I let the shower cleanse my body, I bring my face into range and hurriedly brush my face off with my hands. In fact, I am desperate to regain my sight of things.
This is because I've seen a lot of scary movies, and I'm usually reminded of the shower scene from The Grudge where the zombie's hand pops out of her head. Now, even if I can see, I wouldn't be able to see a hand pop out of the top of my cabesa, but I want to check if anything similar has happened. I don't think I'm scared out of my mind or even very scared at all but I do have the instinct to check. It was because of this frantic urge to see that I realized how much I enjoy seeing.
It might not be a surprise to know that I like to see but if anyone asked me which sense I would give up if I had to, I would say my sight. It's been so glorified that those without sight can still do well. There are hunters who can shoot arrows at beasts from yards away just using sound and Ray Charles could play the piano better than anyone else that I know. Anyone without sight still had a chance to make it in this world and it would possibly let them go higher, just look at Dare Devil. But when I had closed my eyes for those few moments, I was terrified of not being able to see. I wanted to check if that zombie girl would be in my shower and I couldn't do that if my eyes were closed. Afterward, I thought about what it would be like to lose that sight forever and I would totally change my answer. Who needs to smell anyways?! I can still taste my food, thanks.
Being blind means that you don't know where you're going. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit, Matthew 15:14. Now when Jesus rebuked those in the bible and told them they were blind, He didn't mean literally. He meant blind spiritually (or maybe even intellectually). Now he usually called the Pharisees blind but they were the ones who knew scripture insanely well. In the old testament, there are so many indications to the salvation Jesus brings, yet none of them could see it. I know many of us yearn for glimpses of God's miracles. To be blind is to see Jesus and not be aware that He is the messiah and Christ. If you are not blind, you will know He is the Lord. When Jesus healed the blind, they went out and spreads news of him all over the region, Matt 9: 27-31.
I hope I will never again underestimate the troubles of being blind.
I do wash my face with this body wash though. And as I covered my face, I closed my eyes to prevent the soap from stinging my senses. There are a few brief moments when I have momentarily chosen to not see anything. Everything is dark to me. I can still hear the water running, bouncing off my skin as who knows what miles per hour. After I let the shower cleanse my body, I bring my face into range and hurriedly brush my face off with my hands. In fact, I am desperate to regain my sight of things.
This is because I've seen a lot of scary movies, and I'm usually reminded of the shower scene from The Grudge where the zombie's hand pops out of her head. Now, even if I can see, I wouldn't be able to see a hand pop out of the top of my cabesa, but I want to check if anything similar has happened. I don't think I'm scared out of my mind or even very scared at all but I do have the instinct to check. It was because of this frantic urge to see that I realized how much I enjoy seeing.
It might not be a surprise to know that I like to see but if anyone asked me which sense I would give up if I had to, I would say my sight. It's been so glorified that those without sight can still do well. There are hunters who can shoot arrows at beasts from yards away just using sound and Ray Charles could play the piano better than anyone else that I know. Anyone without sight still had a chance to make it in this world and it would possibly let them go higher, just look at Dare Devil. But when I had closed my eyes for those few moments, I was terrified of not being able to see. I wanted to check if that zombie girl would be in my shower and I couldn't do that if my eyes were closed. Afterward, I thought about what it would be like to lose that sight forever and I would totally change my answer. Who needs to smell anyways?! I can still taste my food, thanks.
Being blind means that you don't know where you're going. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit, Matthew 15:14. Now when Jesus rebuked those in the bible and told them they were blind, He didn't mean literally. He meant blind spiritually (or maybe even intellectually). Now he usually called the Pharisees blind but they were the ones who knew scripture insanely well. In the old testament, there are so many indications to the salvation Jesus brings, yet none of them could see it. I know many of us yearn for glimpses of God's miracles. To be blind is to see Jesus and not be aware that He is the messiah and Christ. If you are not blind, you will know He is the Lord. When Jesus healed the blind, they went out and spreads news of him all over the region, Matt 9: 27-31.
I hope I will never again underestimate the troubles of being blind.
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