Twas the last fortnight

I have been struggling for the last couple weeks to find out what was wrong with me. I went through my school life fairly normally. I laughed with my friends, I fought through homework with them, I served at KCM and and I served at church. Something was wrong though. I couldn't put my finger on it. I sprained my ankle a couple weeks ago so I haven't been to the gym since. I thought I could attribute my weird feelings to that. Maybe it was a fall depression, something unavoidable. I didn't know how to describe it or explain it so I tried to categorize it as some problem far away and very distant from the actual reality I was going through.

The truth is that I was trying to distance myself from a problem that stemmed directly from my unrepentant heart. It wasn't that it was some mildly obscure issue that I couldn't recognize, but it was something at work in me that was far greater than I could comprehend. The Holy Spirit was telling me that I'm lukewarm. No wonder my brain couldn't figure out what was wrong. God is bigger than I am. Right now he's saying to me..."Are you seeking me with all your heart, your soul, your mind, and your strength?"

Mark 12:30

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."

That's a command. A calling. Not an option. Thank you to Pastor David Tauler for revealing God's truth to me tonight.

I'm lukewarm because I got comfortable. I got comfortable being around other lukewarm Christians. I was comparing myself to them. Thinking, "it's okay to be doing this." "This is what this guy's doing and he's a good Christian."

I do not want to blame anyone. This is a result of my own sinful heart. But I do strongly believe that this has been a result of the interactions with Christians I know throughout the school year. I regret that I had not been a better influence on them. I understand so much that everyone is busy with school. It's easy to compartmentalize your life.

"God's called me to be a student." So true. Very true. God's called me to follow him first though. Jesus called his disciples while they were fishermen. They didn't make an excuse. God's called me to love him with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. That seems freaking impossible. You know why? Because I don't love God that much. But he can make a camel go through the eye of a needle. He can change me as well.

God is good and God is faithful. He has recused me so many times. So many times I've gone down the wrong path. He loves me and he's saved me. He works in a way I'll never understand. Praise him!