He Won't Let me!

I think one of the most encouraging evidences you can put towards your salvation is God's continual pwnage of your stupidity. And by stupidity I mean sin/sinful plans/plans in general that He don't care about! One of the facets of salvation is your adoption into God's family. What Father would let His children do wrong and continually just be a nuisance? Of course He would punish and admonish the little brats for being huge pains. They might hate Him for it, but He'd do it despite this and the knowledge of this because He is a good Father.

For most of my entire conscious life, I've been really set on getting a girlfriend. I'm not saying I've never had one, but during those times when I didn't I was completely preoccupied with getting another one. I don't think I was desperate at all, but I would continually wait for someone who I thought was good enough in my mind and pursue them. Sometimes I'd do this even when I did have a girlfriend already as well.... In any case, it's no different now that I'm in college. I haven't been tied down by a member of the opposite sex in a while and it's really gotten to me.

However, this past semester I met who I thought was the most perfect girl I'd met so far. It's too bad that she has a boyfriend but that never stopped me. Seriously, it didn't stop me. I pursued the heck out of her. And I loved every second of it. I could totally be myself around her. I made her laugh, I showed her how fun college could be. The deal sealers were that she's super cute and she was Christian. She was the first Christian girl I was attracted to, actually. She even made me a better Christian. I continually prayed about her, just asking God to either give her to me or take her away. The fact that she had a boyfriend always loomed in my head but I thought I was making a superb case for myself. I cheered her up when she was down and stayed up with her for longs hours doing nothing in particular but having a blast anyways. I thought, "Man, she's special".

And because she was so special, I couldn't be with her. As I've mentioned, she has a boyfriend (who's not me now by the way). It may not sound like much in text, but I've rarely seen someone actually stay faithful to their significant other in the face of even a possibility of happiness elsewhere. I really tried to look into this to see what God was telling me and I couldn't figure it out. Probably that I shouldn't go for girls who didn't have boyfriends. But I've been around the block a couple times. Of course I was down but my heart's been beat into a pulp already so I recovered quickly. Just last week, some old feelings started reviving for one of my best friends. I liked her a couple of years back and things just felt so right with her again. I started to think about maybe becoming more than what we were but of course, she knew what I was thinking. She told me she'd never see me as more than a friend.

Now of course, I'm at my wit's end. I've been trying so hard to return to a relationship where I can just rely on someone else and fall into their arms, yet I haven't been able to. And it's because God won't let me. It's not because it's a sin to have a girlfriend, but because He doesn't want me to. During all this, I've been struggling to do as well as I want to in school and I always thought that if I had the whole girlfriend situation out of the way, I could focus more. Yeah, dumb I know. When I was spending time with girl #1 during the semester, I spent the majority of my day with them. Now I realize that I'd get absolutely nothing done if I had a significant other.

Thank God that You control my life and I do not.